3 Boundaries I Sat With Myself As A Recovering People-Pleaser

Taking control back

Boundaries don't just apply to other people. There are also boundaries we need to set with ourselves. Nobody is perfect, but everybody wants connection. As human beings, we are hardwired to want meaningful relationships with others. However, every human is imperfect, which partly explains why relationships can be so tough.

Everyone has their weight to carry in one way or another. Part of healing is accepting your flaws (false beliefs, poor emotional regulation, or unhealthy behaviors…) and managing them in ways that serve you and allow you to have mutually respectful relationships.

Setting boundaries with others is just one part of the equation. Here are 3 boundaries I sat with myself as a recovering people-pleaser:

I hope that by sharing what works for me, you may be inspired to find what works for you, or you may even be able to relate and implement something that resonates with you from my examples.

#1: Active effort to fact-check my narrative with reality

If you're anything like me, you probably have extremely high expectations of yourself, which often also apply to others. Which often leaves me disappointed in others, leaving me to draw (often wrong) conclusions about them. It's easy to get caught up in a narrative where we distort reality to confirm our current beliefs. Here are some of my old beliefs that didn't make it past the fact-check:

• Having to ask for what you need makes the relationship less special.

  • Communication is key. If we want to create fulfilling relationships, we need to come to terms with the fact that no one can read our minds.

• Being angry is bad.

  • I used to believe that I should not be displaying anger ever. I thought I was a bad person for being angry. Until I learned that anger is, a healthy sign that you're boundaries are being violated.

• Boundaries create distance.

  • I used to think that boundaries were bad. That they create distance in our relationships. Now I understand that boundaries are tools to create safe intimacy and connection. Relationships need boundaries.

#2: I validate my feelings (even when I think the way I feel may be "wrong")

Judge your feelings all you want, but that won't make them go away. I understand that there are situations where we may believe that how we feel is wrong. And I'm not here to tell you that that's not true. I actually want to acknowledge some of these moments, such as that, on some level, it feels "wrong" to feel jealous of a friend with good news.

For a long time, I judged my feelings harshly and would suppress those who I deemed "wrong". What I had to learn is that feelings are stubborn. They won't go away until you have acknowledged them, plus they often offer an opportunity to deepen your understanding of yourself and life. So, remember pushing your feelings away won't resolve them, plus you're missing out on an opportunity for self-discovery.

#3: I set time aside for venting and complaining.

Look, the last thing I want you to take away from this boundary is that venting or complaining is bad. It's not. Venting and complaining are very healthy tools for coping and releasing penned-up emotions. However, they can be tricky to portion. I recognized that once I started complaining or venting, I would have a hard time stopping. It's like I would continuously ruin my mood and make things harder on myself than they needed to be.

So, I make an active effort to be conscious of when I vent and complain so that I don't sabotage myself. Now I give myself a set amount of time to vent or complain after which I need to start focusing on solutions.

Now, I want to hear from you! Community: What boundaries have you set with yourself, or will you set with yourself from now on? Let's talk about it in the comments. - Klara 👋