5 behaviors you may have experienced growing up, that explain why you people-please

Understand how childhood experiences shape your behavior (even as an adult)

The kind of household you grow up in can have a big impact on how you relate to yourself and others as an adult. People-pleasing isn’t just a personality trait; it’s a survival strategy many of us learned in childhood. It’s seemingly innocent behavior, but if you’re here reading this article, chances are you know how isolating and devastating people-pleasing feels on the inside. Today, we will explore five behaviors you may have experienced growing up if you struggle with people-pleasing.

My new bookshelf in the living room, filled with some of my favorite books and other memories

This post isn’t intended to shame or blame parents. I am not a parent myself, so I know that I don’t begin to understand the struggles that come with being responsible for a child’s well-being (physical, emotional, and mental). While there are parents out there who intently hurt and abuse their children, in most cases, parents try to do their best with the information, energy, and time they have.

Two things can be true at the same time: your parents do their best based on what they know, yet their behaviors (or lack thereof) can still negatively impact you.

1. Being held responsible for adult problems

Many adults who struggle with people-pleasing grew up in households with poor boundaries regarding what to hold children responsible for and what information to share with them. This often looks like parents sharing their marital issues with their children and burdening them with financial worries or complaints about how they need to care for their family. This doesn’t mean parents can't share on these topics per se, but it should be done thoughtfully. When parents turn their children into their personal confidants, this often has adverse effects on the child, as it teaches them to try to control and take responsibility for things that are far beyond their control. It also creates an internal belief that they are a burden to others and should not bother others with their problems or ask for help. Children who grow up as their parents' confidant or who are burdened with problems they can’t change or understand often turn into adults who try to fix things outside their control and take other people’s bad moods or problems personally. This often looks like viewing your own needs as less important than someone else’s happiness.

2. Receiving conditional love based on performance and obedience

Growing up in a household where love is conditional teaches us that our worth is directly tied to how well we meet or adhere to the expectations of others. Only being given attention, praise, and love when meeting someone's expectations of us often makes us believe that we aren't lovable if we don't obey or do as others say. It's because external validation has replaced internal validation completely, dependent on how others perceive us because who they see is how we see ourselves. This relentless pursuit of validation and approval overshadows genuine self-expression and instead fosters an external focus. That's when we please others to make sure they have a positive perception of us and when we abandon ourselves and instead chase fulfilling other people's expectations of us as a way to receive love and attention.

3. Constantly having your emotions dismissed or invalidated

Constantly having your emotions dismissed or invalidated teaches you early on that your feelings aren't important nor valid, often starting a pattern where one chooses to suppress one's emotions constantly. You might do this because you believe your feelings are inappropriate or because you don't trust your feelings to be valid. When we suppress our emotions, we often suppress our genuine reactions and lose the ability to make decisions for ourselves. That's why genuine, healthy emotional expression is such a big part of reconnecting with yourself and your authenticity.  Not being emotionally connected to ourselves makes it difficult to stand up for yourself or know what's right for you. That's why it often creates people-pleasing patterns, as it seeds internal distrust that we try to overcome by pleasing others to receive approval, soothing our feelings of internal distrust.

4. Being excessively criticized and constantly compared to others

Being excessively criticized and constantly compared to others ingrains a sense of never being good enough, driving a relentless pursuit for perfection and approval in childhood that's often carried into our adult selves as well. This experience teaches that love and acceptance are conditional, based on outperforming others or meeting unrealistic standards. As a result, you may adopt people-pleasing behaviors, striving to avoid criticism by aligning with the expectations of those around you, often at the cost of your own authenticity and self-esteem. This cycle of seeking external validation can lead to a life where personal achievements and happiness are overshadowed by the fear of falling short in the eyes of others.

5. Being caught in the middle of arguments and conflicts between your parents

Being caught in the middle of arguments and conflicts between your parents can leave you feeling responsible for mediating disputes or choosing sides, cultivating an unhealthy sense of responsibility for others' relationships. This exposure to parental conflicts often seeds a compulsion to maintain peace at all costs, leading to people-pleasing behaviors in adulthood. When you're accustomed to this role, you may find yourself constantly trying to smooth over disagreements or sacrificing your own needs to avoid conflict, developing a pattern of behavior where your own desires and opinions are suppressed in favor of keeping the peace in your relationships (even at your own expense).

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Self-Reflection Prompts:

1. How did my parents or caregivers handle conflict and influence my current approach to disagreement and confrontation?

Reflect on whether avoiding conflict or excessively accommodating others is a response conditioned from childhood observations and interactions.

2. Can I identify moments in my childhood when I felt valued primarily for my achievements or obedience rather than for who I was?

Consider how these experiences have shaped your perception of self-worth and the lengths you go to to gain approval from others.

3. In what ways were my emotional expressions dismissed or invalidated growing up, and how does this impact my ability to express my feelings and needs today?

Consider whether you minimize your emotions to keep others comfortable or avoid being seen as burdensome.

4. Reflect on times I felt caught in the middle of adult problems or conflicts as a child. How has this influenced my sense of responsibility in other people's lives or conflicts now?

Evaluate whether this has led to a tendency to intervene or mediate in situations to maintain harmony, often at your own expense.

5. How has being excessively criticized or compared to others in my childhood affected my self-esteem and behavior in social or work settings?

Consider if this has led to a pattern of diminishing your own needs, accomplishments, or desires to conform to perceived expectations or avoid criticism.

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If you want to learn how to stop people-pleasing, check out the resources I’ve created to support you in doing that. Join me in my upcoming webinar about understanding the difference between people-pleasing and being kind. Use my “Get Yourself To Stop People-Pleasing”-Workbook to create your personalized action plan out of people-pleasing.

I hope this article helped you understand why you started people-pleasing and offered you insights to help you create a way to heal from it!

Take care, Klara