A fresh perspective on boundaries that shifts your view, making you feel at ease rather than guilty for setting them.

From Defensive to Directive: Boundaries as Tools for Clear Communication

Today, I want to share a fundamental truth about boundaries with you that has helped me set boundaries but also helped me not take other people’s responses personally.

We’ve all been there, where a friend made a joke, a family member made a comment, or a coworker made a face, and it ruined our entire day, or we couldn’t stop thinking about it for a week or longer. If you have experienced or are still experiencing this frequently, then today’s article is for you. Today, I will discuss creating a different mindset around other people’s responses towards you and their treatment of you. Let’s get started.

I took Teddy on a long walk in the rain; it was so peaceful, I never thought I’d enjoy the beach so much on a rainy day

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Setting boundaries is and has always been tricky for me. I didn’t grow up in a home where setting healthy boundaries was something that was modeled to me. Boundaries were portrayed as ultimatums, demands for obedience, and signs of selfishness. Boundaries were something to avoid; they were dangerous as they were met with punishment and silent treatment or flat-out ignored or made fun of.

It took me a long time to understand the true nature of boundaries. I’ve always perceived them as people being difficult or as ways to control others. At least that’s what I learned about boundaries and perceive them to be growing up. With that in mind, it makes sense that I’m scared to set boundaries because I don’t want to do any of those things or be perceived as someone like that. I don’t want to be selfish or rude or give people a hard time. I don’t want to control others or punish them!

But on the other hand, I realized that there are things people say and do that I don’t like. I don’t appreciate being talked to in a passive-aggressive way, I don’t like others making jokes about me that feel more like jabs, and sometimes I don’t like how someone tells me I should or shouldn’t live my life. And it’s not just big stuff like that, it’s small things too. For example, I don’t like to hug people who are not close friends, I want my food to be served how I ordered it, and I want people to know when I’ve hit my emotional limit. For example, sometimes, I don’t want to repeatedly spend hours on the phone with my friend and listen to the same complaints.

I used to think that people should know better. They should recognize when I’ve had a long day and give me time to relax instead of going on and on about their struggles. They should see the look on my face and know that I don’t want to hug them. And when someone didn’t recognize these things, I took them personally. Can you relate?

But here’s the thing, and this is a fundamental truth that made it easier to set boundaries because it allowed me to see them in a different light: If you don’t share with people how you want to be treated and what your preferences are, they will treat you depending on how they learn to interact with others, or they’ll make assumptions about what you like and treat you according to those. That’s where boundaries come in, as they clarify for others what you like and don’t like, what you accept and don’t accept, what you tolerate and don’t tolerate—setting boundaries isn’t about punishing or controlling others. Your boundaries are a way to give others sufficient information about how you feel and what you need so they can make accordingly (if they want to).

When I realized this, it made me feel less bad about setting boundaries. People have different preferences, needs, and limits. Some people simply don’t mind what I don’t like, and that’s OK. I found that most people feel quite happy when you are direct about these things. They are more at peace and feel more secure around you. They don’t need to play the guessing game; they know the rules.

But then there are those things that no one likes: no one likes to be talked to passive-aggressively or be made fun of in a mean way, but here’s the thing about that: in this case, the person behaving like this either learned that treating people this way is normal, or they recognized that you are someone they could do it with because you don’t tell him off. Either way, it’s up to you to clarify how you want to be treated.

Here’s one quote that changed how I look at people and the meaning that I assign to how they treat me:

“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by ignorance.”

-Unknown

Instead of interpreting glances, facial expressions, and things people say or do as something that was meant to go directly against you, try to look at them as things people do because they don’t know better. And that’s why boundaries are so powerful: they give people direct instructions, reducing things people do out of ignorance. Now, they have a clear rulebook to play by.

When I think of boundaries as ways to express how I want to be treated, it takes their confrontational nature away. I’m not trying to control others or cause an argument. I’m actually trying to do the opposite. I’m preventing arguments by not taking things personally and giving clear and direct instructions on what I like or dislike.

I’m not trying to control others; I’m simply giving them information they can choose to use (or not). Others don’t have to comply with my boundaries just as much as I don’t have to be around them if they make us uncomfortable. For example, if I tell my friends I’m unavailable for phone calls during work hours, they can still choose to call me. They don’t have to comply with my boundaries, but I can still choose to uphold them by choosing not to answer any calls during work hours. Or I can let my parents know that I don’t want to discuss my political views with them, but they can still choose to bring it up. How I respond is in my control, and that’s why boundaries are so powerful; they allow you to create a space in which you feel safe regardless of what others choose to do.

How did you like this article? Please let me know in the comments below. I would love to hear what you think about setting boundaries, what you struggle with, and what you’ve learned or unlearned so far. Can’t wait to dive into the comments, see you there!