Are my needs valid, or am I being "too needy"?
Let's discuss the difference between having needs and being too needy.
No one likes to be called “needy”. When we hear this term, we think of someone clingy, highly dependent, and needing constant attention and reassurance. And while no one wants to be called needy, it’s important to know that having needs doesn’t automatically make you needy.
There is a big difference between having needs and being needy. But sometimes, it can be hard to differentiate the two. Especially when we suspect or are directly told (or through action) that we’re too needy. When we find ourselves in situations like that (and everyone does at one point), it can be difficult to stick to our needs and not be swallowed up in self-doubt, ending up suppressing our needs because we think they may be “unreasonable” or “too much”.
I want to talk about how we can differentiate between being needy and having needs. But I also want to discuss where our fear of being labeled “too needy” may come from and how we can identify if we’re really being too needy or being neglected in our relationships.
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If you’re reading this article and other pieces of my writing, I assume you’re on your own journey of recovering from people-pleasing, codependency, or living a life with poor boundaries, always giving yourself up for others (like me). Overcoming these dysfunctional patterns requires you to look at your personal needs. You’re probably struggling with identifying your needs, have difficulty communicating them, or even differentiating your needs from those around you. If you do, don’t worry. I got you.
Most likely, the reason you struggle with people-pleasing, codependency, and having poor boundaries is because, at one point in your life, you learned to suppress your needs and learned to instead tend to the needs of others.
Part of your healing journey will include reconnecting with your needs, letting them resurface, identifying them, and tending to them (while not letting others talk you out of them). So let’s start digging into the topic of needs, and when having needs turns into being needy, shall we?
What are my needs, and why do I constantly worry I’m too needy:
Before you read on any further, I want to clarify one thing: needs are requirements, not preferences. Merriam-Webster defines needs as “physiological or psychological requirements for the well-being of an organism.” By that definition, your needs are not negotiable but requirements for your well-being. I wanted to start this article by making it clear that needs are not negotiable because if you’re reading this article, you most likely were taught that needs are negotiable and, in fact, not necessary—but rather preferences and demands we make as “selfish” human beings.
What you probably don’t know is that every human being has the same needs. While we all have the same needs, how we prefer to fulfill those needs and in what quantities we need each need differ between all of us. Here is one way I like to visualize this: If I were to make a smoothy representing our needs (one for me and one for you), we’d use the same ingredients but different amounts of each. So, in the end, while our smoothies are made up of the same ingredients, the end product looks different.
Before we move on, let me give you one more example because it’s important to understand this. We all need to feel loved, yet how we like to fulfill that and how much we need it differs between us. While you may feel loved by acts of service or being given gifts, your partner may feel loved by spending quality time together and physical touch.
I hope that by now, you understand that while we have the same needs, how we seek to fulfill them is different. Now, I also touched on the fact that how much of each need we need differs between all of us. Many things influence how big our individual needs are. For example, throughout our lifetime, the hierarchy of our needs changes. As a child, you needed much more support as an adult, for example. Additionally, how much of the needs we need also depends on genetics. For example, someone who has a physical disability may need more support than someone who is physically healthy. These examples are easy to understand, but what’s often overlooked is that we may need more of one need if we have experienced a consistent lack of it. For example, if you grew up in a high-stress household (lots of yelling, arguing, and high levels of anxiety), you may have a bigger need for peace and harmony as you grow up. In the end, yes, we all have the same needs, but what they look like and how much we need is different for all of us.
This is important to understand because, especially if we struggle with people-pleasing, codependency, and poor boundaries, our self-doubt often leads us to compare our needs to those of others to evaluate whether they are valid. But as you may understand now, we can’t necessarily compare our needs to those of others because they may differ, yet both are valid. That’s why looking to others to validate our needs is tricky.
As people-pleasers, codependent, and those with poor (or no) boundaries, we often struggle with validating our needs. This is often the case because, growing up, we were taught to suppress our needs either directly or indirectly (through word or action). Here are some common examples of why we learn that we have to suppress our needs:
You’re taught that other people’s needs are more important than your own.
You’re shamed for having needs.
You’re taught that it’s selfish to do things for yourself.
The focus in your family was (is) on an ill or poorly regulated family member (physical illness, mental illness, addiction etc.)
You have emotionally dysregulated caregivers who react with intense emotional outbursts when you bring your needs to the table.
Your needs were regularly ignored or dismissed.
The bottom line is that we learn that having needs equals being needy when, in reality, we have valid needs that we were denied because our caregivers didn’t want to or didn’t have the capacity to meet our needs. Yet, as children, we don’t understand this and instead believe that we are too needy, not that the issue lies with our caregiver’s capacity or willingness to meet our needs.
That’s why you’re probably feeling needy for having any needs, no matter what or how big they are.
It’s important to break this pattern of thinking. With your new understanding that needs are requirements, not something negotiable, I highly encourage you to become curious about your needs. Ask yourself regularly what you need. Sometimes, identifying your needs can be easier when you have a list of different needs in front of you. You can download one I put together for myself when I started my recovery journey below. It also includes a set of questions you can ask yourself to identify your needs.
One thing you may start to realize now is that your needs were valid all along, but how the people around you responded to your needs made you question them.
Your needs will always look unreasonable to those who can’t or don’t want to meet them:
Reading this article, a big takeaway I want you to have is that who you surround yourself with has a huge impact on your mental health (self-confidence, self-trust, self-image etc.) Naturally, we all care about what the people around us think of us. And generally speaking, there is nothing wrong with that. It becomes problematic, however, when we take on the opinions of others as truths about ourselves without running them through our own filters first!
Especially if you’re someone who struggles (or used to struggle) with people-pleasing, codependency, and poor boundaries, you may tend to take on other people’s opinions too quickly. Instead of correcting them, you often automatically believe the fault lies with you. Because of your childhood experiences and conditioning, you’re more susceptible to being talked out of your needs.
People who grew up learning that their needs are valid usually don’t struggle to communicate their needs or see them as valid. We, however, have this built-in script that makes us question ourselves before we would question others. So when someone calls us needy or too much, it feeds into our past experiences and propels us into suppressing our needs and prioritizing the needs of others instead.
It’s important to recognize our vulnerability to enter relationships with people who benefit from us dismissing our own needs. What we would describe as normal is what is familiar to us, and we need to recognize that our normal might actually be based on dysfunction. So, if you struggle with people-pleasing, codependency, and poor boundaries, you need to be mindful of the company you keep!
Frequently check in with yourself, and whenever you feel that you’re too needy, pay attention to the story that’s running in your head and what others are telling you. In my experience, the people who call you “too needy” usually benefit from you not having any needs. They’re essentially manipulating you into suppressing your needs so they don’t have to meet them or because they can’t meet them.
For example, let’s say you and your partner agreed that they bring out the garbage. It constantly causes arguments because your partner doesn’t fulfill his task. They tell you to stop complaining when you bring it up to them. You don’t want to be labeled as a complainer, so you stop bringing it up or take out the garbage yourself. See how quickly you suppressed your need out of fear of being seen as a “complainer”? It’s valid that in a partnership, one shares different responsibilities. If you’ve previously agreed that he’ll take out the trash, expecting them to follow through on their word is reasonable. We can all understand that chores are annoying, but not following through on their commitment does not make you a complainer.
Here are some common statements people may use to manipulate you to suppress your needs + what to say:
“You’re overreacting.”
Answer: “It upsets me when you dismiss my feelings by saying I’m overreacting. I feel ___ when you ___. It’s important to me that you understand the impact your actions have on me, and moving forward, ___ is what I would like to see from you.”
“You’re ruining the mood.”
Answer: “I know that talking about this is uncomfortable. If right now is not a good time for you, that’s OK, but please let me know when we can talk about it. Next time, I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t brush off my feelings because they come at an inconvenient time for you.”
“Can’t you just be happy for once? You’re always complaining.”
Answer: “I have repeatedly asked you to ___, and it’s equally annoying to me that I have to keep reminding you to do it. I’m hurt when you say my constant complaining is the issue when the actual issue is that you don’t keep your word. If you’re unhappy with our agreement that you ___, we can revisit that and see if there is something you’d rather do.”
Remember, you don’t have to be low-maintenance or easy-going to be loved. Having needs does not automatically make you needy.
Be mindful of the company you keep because it’s usually the people who can’t or don’t want to meet your needs who make you feel like your needs are too much. People with the capacity and willingness to meet your needs usually won’t perceive you as “too needy.” So, whom you surround yourself with matters more than you may think!
But I’d be lying to you if I were to tell you that there is no such thing as being “too needy.” So, let’s talk about what it means to be too needy and how to check in with yourself so that you can differentiate between having needs and being overly dependent on others, aka being needy.
Where does having needs cross into being “too needy”?
There is a fundamental truth we need to accept if we want to become more confident and trusting in ourselves: Your needs are valid, but how you fulfill them may not be.
As I explained before, your needs are non-negotiable. They are requirements for your own well-being. It doesn’t make sense to judge them and shame yourself for having needs because you can’t make them disappear anyway. Unmet needs don’t simply disappear in thin air when you suppress them. They stay bottled up and often resurface in dysfunctional behaviors like numbing by drinking, smoking, constantly scrolling social media, always keeping busy, always being surrounded by people, never spending time alone, and many more.
Before we get into what I mean by your needs are valid, yet how you seek to fulfill them may not be, let’s take a look at what it means to be “too needy”.
Here are common characteristics we would label as being “too needy”:
Constantly needing reassurance and attention
Not being able to do things on your own
Not having boundaries and having a hard time accepting the boundaries of others.
Being emotionally unstable
Feeling extremely jealous of others and insecure in your relationships
Relying on other people’s advice, being highly indecisive
Before you freak out because you may see yourself in some examples, let me break them down. This will also help you understand what I mean by your needs valid while how you seek to fulfill them may not be, and it has a lot to do with dependency.
We all need a certain level of reassurance and attention, and there is no arguing that. Your needs for comfort and attention are valid, yet only relying on others to fulfill them by constantly needing to be the center of attention isn’t. When it comes to fulfilling our needs, we must strike a balance between fulfilling them ourselves and asking others to support us. And it starts by taking your needs seriously and assuming responsibility for how you choose to meet them.
What helps us not become too dependent, aka “too needy,” on others to fulfill our needs comes down to 2 things:
You need to become aware of your needs and identify them so you can meet them in healthy ways.
You need to find ways to fulfill your needs interdependently (fulfilling your needs yourself while also asking others to support you)
We become overly reliant on others when we depend on them to fulfill our needs. For example, having a big need for reassurance isn’t being needy in itself. However, when your only source of reassurance is constantly seeking it from others, that may be labeled as “too needy”. Now, if you’re aware of your need for reassurance, you can learn skills to give yourself more reassurance so you’re less dependent on others. Being aware of your needs helps you fulfill them. Additionally, being aware of your needs also allows you to identify where your heightened need comes from, finding potential underlying emotional wounds that need healing.
Generally speaking, when you know your needs and work on fulfilling them yourself and ask others to supplement them, you’re not being too needy. It’s when we solely rely on others to fulfill our needs that we become “too needy”.
In short, if you’re scared of being “too needy,” here is what you need to pay attention to:
Become aware of your needs instead of suppressing them, and find ways to fulfill them yourself while asking others to help you.
Be mindful of the company you keep and how they respond when you bring your needs to the table.
Knowing your needs makes it more likely that you can find healthy ways to fulfill them and makes you less vulnerable to being taken advantage of and being talked out of your needs by being called “too needy”.
I hope you enjoyed this article. If you can relate, consider giving this article a like and leaving a comment. Your activity here means a lot to me. Not only does it help me reach more people, but it also helps me understand what topics you can relate to and where to create more content. Ultimately, I write these articles to help you on your journey, and I’m committed to doing this as best I can.
Thank you for being here. If you have any questions, please drop them in the comment section below or send me a message on Instagram.
-Klara
Needs being non-negotiable, that's a big thing to acknowledge.
The Needs Vocabulary is an excellent tool. Thank you.
Great article Klara. Echoing Kevin's comment below, seeing needs as non-negotiable versus preferences seems so obvious now, but I don't think I fully realised this distinction! I do recognise myself in struggling with boundaries (I didn't know what a boundary was until I turned 30) and I often find myself shaming my needs out of the fear that I will be deemed too much. Your section on having needs versus being needy was very helpful here. Thank you!