Are you a people-pleaser? Here is how to stop

A Guide to Stop Seeking Approval

Are you a chronic people-pleaser? Always putting the needs of others above your own? Many of us feel the need to please others. Pleasing others gives us a sense of approval and a sense of belonging, and who doesn’t want to feel that way? However, we often don’t see the costs of people-pleasing, which are much higher than you might think. People-pleasing may seem like innocent behavior, but over time, it becomes self-destructive, leaving us feeling drained, anxious, and disconnected from our true selves.

In this article, we’ll explore the roots of people-pleasing, uncover its hidden costs, and, most importantly, equip you with practical strategies to break free from people-pleasing, allowing you to regain control of your life. After reading this article, you’ll have the tools you need to be yourself confidently and rely less on the approval of others. You deserve a more fulfilling life in which you can be unapologetically yourself.

This article is for paid subscribers, yet I want to leave everyone with some value so you can have your own moment of reflection. Below, you can read the first part of the article for free, plus take a self-assessment to see if you need to work on your people-pleasing. If you want to read the full article (and many more), learn about specific examples of my experiences, and know all the strategies that helped me move forward, consider becoming a paid subscriber.

Understanding people-pleasing and do you need to work on it?

People-pleasing often seems innocent to the point that it doesn’t need to be addressed. We might write it off to wanting to be kind, helpful, and being a good sport. And while there is nothing wrong with that, people-pleasing isn’t the same as being kind and authentically helpful. Often, people-pleasing becomes a chronic pattern of behaviors, morphing into a compulsive need to seek approval and validation from others. That’s when wanting to please others becomes more of a burden than a virtue.

That being said, I hope you see that there are different levels of people-pleasing. To evaluate if your people-pleasing is causing more harm than good and get a better idea of what forms your people-pleasing takes, take my quiz.

Knowing how “bad” your people-pleasing is, let’s discuss what people-pleasing really is and what motives drive our need to please others.

Defining People-Pleasing

Merriam-Webster defines people-pleasing as: a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.

What I like about this definition is that it highlights the core issue of people-pleasing right away—the need to please others at the expense of their own needs and desires. 

In itself, there is nothing wrong with wanting to please another person, and it does become problematic, however, when we feel the constant need to please others, even at our own expense. The problem isn’t that we want to please others but do it to our detriment; we ignore our own needs, desires, and wants to prioritize someone else’s. We are so driven by our need to be accepted and find a sense of belonging that we try to fill those needs with hollow substitutes such as external validation, approval from others, and external acceptance.

Instead of basing our actions on our own needs and setting healthy boundaries, we become social chameleons who change themselves to meet the expectations and preferences of others. Instead of having a strong sense of self, which is based on our authentic emotional expression, acceptance of our needs, and embrace of our values, we are often acting by a desire to avoid conflict, gain external approval, and do everything we can (even if it goes against our values) to be perceived positively.

Recognizing the motivations behind our need to please

To work on your people-pleasing, it’s essential to understand the motivations that drive your behavior. Here are the five most common underlying factors that cause us to please others, even at the expense of our own needs and desires, to the point that we’re harming our well-being (physical, emotional, and mental):