Boundaries are an inside job
Let's see what that means and how you can use this perspective to feel more confident
90% of boundary setting is internal. Too often, we are overly consumed by how somebody will perceive our boundaries, how they will feel about them, and the potential consequences of saying no. One thing that’s helped me navigate setting boundaries and the fears around what other people will think of me when I set them is understanding that boundaries are 90% an inside job. In today’s article, I want to discuss what I mean by 90% of boundary setting is internal, hoping that it helps you just as much as it helps me.
So, if you struggle with feeling overly guilty for setting boundaries, or if you’re someone who sets boundaries and then quickly takes them back when they’re not met positively, or if you fantasize about setting boundaries but never actually do, then this article is for you.
If you’re someone who reads my newsletter, chances are you are someone who struggles with setting boundaries, and that’s something I can deeply relate to. Most of the time, we struggle with boundaries because we never learned what healthy boundaries look like, and we’ve also experienced severe consequences when we tried to set boundaries before. Often, the consequences we experienced in response to daying hurt us so emotionally that we were scared of experiencing those same things again. We don’t want to be dismissed again, we don’t want to feel like we’re a burden to others again, and we especially don’t want to feel like we’re asking for too much.
If you’ve had these experiences, it makes sense that you believe boundaries to be a 90% external job. That’s when we hold others accountable rather than ourselves. When we blame external circumstances for a lack of boundaries, we often say things like these:
“I never have time for myself.”
“They need me; I can’t let them down.”
“It’s just this once; it won’t happen again.”
“I don’t mind, it’s fine.”
“It’s not a big deal; I can handle it.”
“I can’t say no; they’re relying on me.”
“I’ll just deal with it later.”
“It’s just easier to do it myself than to explain what I need.”
“I don’t want to make things awkward.”
“They didn’t mean it; they’re just having a tough time.”
While our environment might make it very difficult to set boundaries, it’s still up to us to set and enforce them. I’m not saying this to shame or blame you for not taking personal responsibility. I truly understand how scary it can be to set boundaries and to fear conflict. I hope to show you that boundaries come from within, and how other people react to them doesn’t matter because they don’t have to accept your boundaries, so you can uphold them and follow through on them to live your best life.
So, if you often say the statements listed above, let’s take a look at what they actually mean and how you can regain your power. There’s one reality that it’s time for you to accept, and it’s the fact that you’re not a victim of your circumstance. While there might be things you cannot change, you’re still in control of how you respond and react to them, and there’s a lot of power in that.
So let’s look at the statements above and see the conscious choices you are making and how you can take personal responsability to set boundaries and feel more confident:
“I never have time for myself.”
Might actually mean: “I’m afraid to say no or ask for time for myself because I don’t want to disappoint others.”
Maybe it’s time to: Create time for yourself by saying no to things you don’t want to do or don’t have time for, or scheduling ‘me-time’ with as much seriousness as you would any other meeting.
“They need me; I can’t let them down.”
Might actually mean: “I’m prioritizing others’ needs and desires over my own because I fear being seen as selfish or uncaring.”
Maybe it’s time to: Stop abandoning yourself in your relationships and allow yourself to take up some space and time to fulfill your own needs as well! It’s important to teach people that we won’t be available 24/7.
“It’s just this once, it won’t happen again.”
Might actually mean: "I'm making an exception this time, hoping it won’t become a pattern, even though it already has.”
Maybe it’s time to: Hold the other person accountable, and to ask them for the changes you need to see. And if they don’t change it might be time to assess if this is a relationship that serves you. Reminding yourself that empathy without boundaries is self-destructive.
“I don’t mind, it’s fine.”
Might actually mean: “I do mind, but I’m not comfortable expressing my discomfort or disagreement.”
Maybe it’s time to: Express your discomfort and complaints to find solutions and to determine whether your relationships are ready to accommodate your needs. Practice being honest about how you feel and remind yourself that it’s okay not to be okay with something.
“It’s not a big deal; I can handle it.”
Might actually mean: “I’m downplaying my feelings or the situation because I’m worried about the consequences of asserting my needs.”
Maybe it’s time to: Stop minimizing your feelings instead start validating them and letting the people in your life know how you feel so they can choose to make changes to support your needs.
“I can’t say no; they’re relying on me.”
Might actually mean: “I feel obligated to meet others’ expectations, even at the cost of my own well-being.”
Maybe it’s time to: Stop jumping in and start letting the people around you face the natural consequences of their own actions and choices. Or if you have someone who is truly dependent on you (a small child or someone who’s ill/old…), maybe it’s time to find help so you can carve out some time to ensure your well-being is secured.
“I’ll just deal with it later.”
Might actually mean: “I’m avoiding confrontation or making a decision now, hoping the issue will resolve itself.”
Maybe it’s time to Remember that suppressing your anger will only cause other issues and often cause you to build up secret resentment. Practice sharing your needs and preferences in the moment, even if it's awkward or uncomfortable.
"It's just easier to do it myself than to explain what I need.”
Might actually mean: "I'm avoiding potential conflict or misunderstanding by not expressing my needs clearly.”
Maybe it's time to: Invest the time in teaching others how to meet your standards or needs. Recognize that short-term inconvenience can lead to long-term benefits, including better understanding and support from those around you.
“I don't want to make things awkward.”
Might actually mean: "I'm prioritizing the comfort of others over my own needs because I fear negative reactions.”
Maybe it's time to: Realize that your comfort and needs are just as important as anyone else's. To build confidence, begin small by expressing your needs in low-stakes situations. Understand that it is possible to be considerate and assertive at the same time.
“They didn't mean it; they're just having a tough time.”
Might be excusing: "I'm justifying someone else's behavior and overlooking how it impacts my boundaries because I empathize with their situation.”
Maybe it's time to: Acknowledge that understanding and empathy for others' situations do not require you to accept disrespectful or boundary-crossing behavior. Practice empathy towards yourself and recognize that setting boundaries is healthy for both parties involved.
As we come to the end of this article, I hope you've seen that setting boundaries is mostly about the work you do on yourself, not just the limits you set with others. This whole discussion wasn't just to point out the common problems we fall into when we're scared to set boundaries; it was to show you that real change starts inside.
Remember, setting boundaries is really about treating yourself with respect and kindness. It's realizing that you're important, your feelings matter, and you deserve to care for yourself. From what we've talked about today, I hope you feel better equipped to look at those old excuses in a new light and feel ready to make some changes. Setting boundaries might seem tough, and it might upset some people, but it is essential for your health and happiness.
In the end, it's all about giving yourself permission to consider your own well-being just as much as everyone else's, and honestly, that's the best thing we can do for ourselves and the people we care about. With that being said, I hope today's article was helpful. I'd Love to learn more about what you think about boundaries being 90% an inside job in the comments below. Let's have a chat; see you there.
Take care, Klara
Very insightful. Thank you!
I say Do unto yourself as you do unto others......
My biggest peeve currently is when people make excuses for disrespectful behavior for others with cancer, diabetes and other ailments as if that's an excuse for disrespect.
I am owning my worth and it feels great.
Thank you 🙏