Busting the Myth: Setting Boundaries as a People-Pleaser is NOT Selfish!

Learning to Respect and Protect Your Own Needs as a People-Pleaser.

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Are you tired of putting other people's needs before your own? Do you struggle to say no even when your schedule is overflowing, and you must sacrifice your last bit of energy to do something you don't want to do?

If so, you may be a people-pleaser and need to learn how to set boundaries to protect your personal well-being.

In this article, I will explore how to let go of the belief that boundaries are selfish, so you can start taking care of yourself and enjoy healthy relationships with others.

Setting boundaries means communicating your needs and limits to others, allowing you to control your own life and protect yourself from being taken advantage of or treated unfairly. Having healthy boundaries means you prioritize your own well-being and ensure you're not sacrificing your own happiness.

I know boundaries sound great and straightforward forward, but I also know that in practice, setting boundaries after years of people-pleasing is extremely difficult and scary.

That's why I wrote this article, to help recovering people-pleasers rid themselves of their deep-rooted belief that boundaries are selfish, so they can start with boundary-setting (even if they are scared).

The Importance of Setting Boundaries as a Recovering People-Pleaser: Learn to Find the Balance Between Selfishness and Selflessness

Let's be honest; being a people-pleaser is exhausting and often leads to resentment and frustration. But in my experience, that's not even the worst of it. To me, feeling at the mercy of others and powerless was excruciatingly and increasingly difficult.

The sheer idea of saying no to someone was terrifying, even if done most politely and kindly. Not only because I was scared of how the other person would react but also what they would think of me, what they might say to others, and how it may affect future interactions.

I was scared that if I set boundaries, I would be perceived as rude, selfish, and a difficult and "bad” person (friend, partner, daughter, etc.).

The first thing to learn to set boundaries as a recovering people-pleaser, which is often not discussed, is addressing the fact that you believe boundaries are selfish and building a deep understanding of why it's not.

As humans, we like to think of things in black or white, like we are either good or bad, selfish or selfless, completely ignoring that there are stages in-between. However, it's extremely important to remember that there is a spectrum of most things, including selfishness.

At one end of the spectrum, you have people who prioritize their needs and desires above all else, all the meanwhile disregarding the needs and feelings of others. That's what it means to be selfish.

On the other end, you have individuals who constantly put the needs of others before their own, sacrificing their own well-being. That's what it means to be selfless.

When we think being at either end of the spectrum is our only choice, it makes sense why we, as people-pleaser, may look at boundaries as selfish. However, the truth is that setting boundaries is an important aspect of having a healthy relationship with yourself and others.

We often forget that there is something in-between being selfish and selfless, which is what I call being self-aware. When you are self-aware you:

• consider your own needs AND the needs of others.

• help others AND allow yourself to receive help from others.

• take time to take care of yourself AND take care of others.

• respect yourself AND respect others.

Understanding the difference between being selfish and self-aware is important when we learn to set boundaries as recovering people-pleasers, just as much as it is important to recognize that being selfless will ultimately lead to a build-up of resentment, frustration and feeling powerless.

Being self-aware allows you to prioritize your own needs and say no when you don't have the capacity or are unwilling to do something. This does not make you selfish - it means that you respect your own limits and consider your own needs and those of others.

Being self-aware means finding a balance between taking care of yourself and considering the needs of others. This means you set boundaries and say no, but are also open to helping and supporting others when you are able and willing to do so.

In practice, setting boundaries considering your needs and the needs of others looks like this:

Let’s say you're a people-pleaser who frequently puts the needs of others before your own. And you have a friend who often asks you to help her out. One day she asks you to watch her dog while she goes out of town for the weekend, which you don't really want to do because you were planning to relax and not lift a finger this weekend.

You could tell her no because you don't want to watch her dog and sacrifice your weekend of relaxation. However, this may be perceived as selfish and could cost your friendship.

OR

You could say yes, watch her dog for the weekend while sacrificing and ignoring your need to take a break. But this could cost you your inner peace as resentment and frustration build up, and it could cost you your friendship.

OR

You could communicate your needs with your friend and tell her that you need a break and are looking forward to relaxing this weekend. Yet, you can watch her dog for one night. This way, you prioritized and considered your own needs, yet also considered those of your friend.

Remember, there is a spectrum when it comes to setting boundaries, and it's important you find a balance so you can take care of yourself while also helping others.

SIDENOTE: This is not to say that this is the only way to solve this situation; again, there is a spectrum. It would be perfectly acceptable to ask her to make other arrangements; situations are nuanced, and so are our relationships.

Nonetheless, it's important to find a balance that works for you and to recognize that setting boundaries is a skill. Don't expect yourself to be perfect at it all the time; you will sometimes mess up and be perceived as selfish; maybe you will even act selfish, but you will also find yourself giving in here and there.

Recovering from people-pleasing and learning to set boundaries is a wild ride, and I’m grateful you are on it with me.

I hope this article was helpful to you and you now see that having boundaries isn't selfish.

If you liked this article, I would highly appreciate it if you'd share it with others; this helps me a lot as it will hopefully help the people you share it with. Feel free to screenshot your favorite part of this article and tag me when you share it on social media.

I can't wait to see what you enjoyed the most. As always, thank you for being here, and I'm proud of you for doing the work!