Cultivating Healthy Self-Talk

Your guide to a healthier inner dialogue.

There is constant chatter in our minds. Try not to think about anything for a moment. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and under no circumstances, think about an orange.

Now let me guess: You thought about an orange instantly. This internal dialogue is called “self-talk.” It’s a constant companion, one that can have the voice of a supportive and loving friend or a harsh and belittling critic. Which one applies to you?

How we talk to ourselves matters. It shapes our perception of ourselves and influences the decisions we make and the things we believe in. Our entire well-being depends to a large part on the way we talk to ourselves. Here is how: What we think influences how we feel. How we feel affects the action we are going to take. The actions we take influence the results we get. And the results we get reinforce what we think about and what we believe in.

Let’s say, for example, that you’re scared of public speaking. Your initial thought might be: “I’m a terrible public speaker. I always mess up. I will make a fool of myself.” This thought will make you feel nervous, stressed, anxious, fearful, and even overwhelmed when speaking publicly. Feeling this way about public speaking will probably make you want to avoid it as best you can. It may even cause you to decline opportunities that bring you closer to your goals if they involve some form of public speaking. In the end, you’re left with limited experiences of public speaking, which are always highly nerve-racking for you even if you do a good job, confirming your belief that you’re a terrible public speaker and should avoid public speaking at all costs.

In this example, the thought that you’re a terrible public speaker leads you to patterns of avoidance that prohibit you from taking opportunities to grow and expand. It restricts you from learning a new skill and facing your fears. Here is what this example could look like if you cultivated a healthier way of self-talk:

You still have the same negative thought: “I’m a terrible public speaker. I always mess up. I will make a fool of myself,” but instead of believing it and letting it go unquestioned, you take charge of the narrative. You remind yourself that while you may not be confident in your public speaking skills, you can learn and improve them. With this more realistic thought, you seek opportunities to improve your public speaking instead of avoiding them altogether. As you expose yourself to public speaking, you will make mistakes but also progress and become more confident in yourself. This then reinforces your belief that you can improve and that you can expand your sets of skills if you choose to do so.

See how our self-talk impacts more than just the way we think? It affects how we feel, how we act, the results we achieve, and the beliefs we believe in.

This article is designed to guide you to navigate your self-talk in a way that supports you in achieving your goals rather than being at the mercy of your thoughts running wild. We will discuss the roots of negative self-talk and the signs you need to look out for in yourself. I will share practical strategies so you can nurture a more realistic and supportive inner dialogue (without making you lazy).

This article is for paid subscribers, yet I want to leave everyone with some value so you can have your own moment of reflection. Below, you can read the first part of the article for free, plus take a self-assessment to see if you need to work on your self-talk. If you want to read the full article (and many more), learn about specific examples of my experiences, and know all about the strategies that helped me move forward, consider becoming a paid subscriber.

What is healthy self-talk, and how is it different from my natural way of thinking?

Healthy self-talk is the practice of constructing an inner dialogue that’s self-compassionate and more positive yet realistic, unlike our natural way of thinking, which often leans toward negativity, self-doubt, overthinking, and self-criticism due to human biases and past experiences. Healthy self-talk intends to offset your natural biases, making your thoughts more realistic by forcing you to compare your natural thoughts to reality and positioning yourself to be more proactive when problem-solving and more confident to make your own decisions.

Signs you need to work on your self-talk:

Take a moment to read through the signs below, and out of the 13 signs, note of how many apply to you. This can help you evaluate how important it is to work on your self-talk and identify areas in which it may be worse than others.

1. Negative Self-Criticism: You often criticize or belittle yourself, solely focusing on your flaws and mistakes.

2. Perfectionism: You often set unrealistic standards for yourself (and others) and feel constant pressure to meet them, even if it’s unlikely. When you succeed, you write it off to something else and immediately jump on to the next thing.

3. Self-Doubt: You doubt your abilities, question your decisions, and underestimate your resilience and capabilities.

4. Self-Blame: You often blame yourself for things that go wrong, even if they are out of your control.

5. Comparing Yourself Negatively: You often compare yourself to others, highlighting your inadequacies and disregarding your strengths.

6. You Get Easily Offended: You often take things personally and base your reactions and conclusions on assumptions rather than facts.

7. You Try To Mind Read: You assume you know what others think about you and often assume they think negatively about you.

8. Emotional Reactivity: You often have emotional outbursts, especially when you’re being criticized or exhausted from bending over backward for others.

9. Lack Of Self-Compassion: You are incredibly harsh and unforgiving toward yourself, lacking understanding and love for yourself.

10. Persistent Dissatisfaction: You can’t seem to shake feelings of unhappiness, anxiety, and sadness (or even depression).

11. Overthinking: You tend to ruminate, overthink, and overanalyze things you worry about or fear might happen in the future or that have occurred in the past.

12. Black and White Thinking: You tend to see things in extremes, often using words like “always” or “never,” painting yourself (maybe even others) in an overly negative light.

13. Your Actions Are Not Aligned With Your Words. You tend to say one thing and then do another. It's hard for you to follow through on something you know will be good for you. You probably have negative thoughts holding you back from taking action.

How many of these signs apply to you? 1-13. Take this opportunity to ask yourself when these signs show up, in which situations or relationships do they become more frequent, and when might they reduce? This self-assessment can help you gain a deeper understanding of your self-talk and help you be more aware of these signs moving forward.

Is my natural self-talk unhealthy? Do I even need to change my inner dialogue?

You may think that you don’t need to change your self-talk. Understanding why keeping tabs on your thoughts is important. My goal with this article and why I started my newsletter was to provide the knowledge you need to implement change that helps you create a healthier and happier version of yourself. Understanding why you can’t rely on your natural thinking will help you recognize a need for action and change.

Understanding why it’s essential to change our natural self-talk means we must discuss the innate cognitive biases we all have as humans — deep-seated, automatic patterns of thinking that have evolved in the human psyche over time. Specifically, I want to address the negativity bias, confirmation bias, and trauma/past experiences biases, which often are at the root of self-doubt, pessimism, and self-criticism. While these biases may have served our ancestors in detecting danger and ensuring survival, in today’s world, they can hinder our well-being.

When we don’t supervise and keep our self-talk in check, we often persistently suffer from low self-esteem and have increased stress and anxiety. At the same time, we continue to perpetuate the limiting beliefs that keep us stuck (maybe even caged).

Before I share with you how you can become more aware of your self-talk (3 strategies) and provide you with five strategies to help you turn your self-talk into your alley, not into your enemy, I want to share 3 human biases with you that we need to be aware of so we can offset them.