Managing Perfectionism: Strategies for Realistic Expectations, Self-Approval, and Embracing Mistakes

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Perfection is the absence of all flaws.

Have you ever experienced something perfect? Now, one or two things may pop into your head. But do those things really don't have ANY flaws? Are they completely free of ANY defects? Was there nothing imaginable that could be better about it? Is it impossible to improve?

I challenge you to find something that can pass for perfection. While writing this article, I tried to name something that could be perfect, and I came up with a few ideas.

For some reason, when I started thinking about perfection, flowers first came to my mind. They are insanely intricate and as pretty as a picture. But then I noticed that while in theory flowers are perfect, it's hard to come by one that is without any flaws in a person. There usually are some small imperfections. Also, flowers are by no means perfect in all areas. Some look beautiful, but I can't stand their smell, while others only last a few days in a vase, etc. The list of possible improvements is endless.

I want you to think about real-life examples of perfection because I think you will come to the same conclusion as me: Perfection isn't attainable in real life. In everything we encounter, no matter how close it may be to perfection, there most definitely are aspects that can be improved.

Perfection is a theoretical construct that is unattainable in real life. In our minds, the idea of achieving perfection, however, still lives on.

The idea of perfection lives in our minds

Even when we intellectually understand that perfection isn't attainable, I wonder why we keep striving for it. If perfection is truly unachievable for me, then why do I believe that I have to be perfect? 

I sat with that questions for a long time. When I quit my Ph.D. and started my Instagram page, I thought I would have to create the perfect page. I believed that I had to overcompensate for quitting my Ph.D. I was scared of what others would think of me, or more specifically, how much less they might care about me. In reality, I don't have to overcompensate for anything, and I don’t have to get a Ph.D. to be worthy, to be smart, and to be lovable. 

I took on perfectionism on my own. I believed that I had something to make up for. Since I believed myself to be behind or to be less worthy, I felt extreme pressure to perform to overcome my "defectiveness." 

For me, this kind of thinking didn't just come out of nowhere. It was a reflection of how my parents talked to me and around me. Always being criticized, micromanaged, and made fun of, I started to believe that there was something wrong with me. Always being compared to others and falling short, not being able to catch a break, I came to the conclusion that I could make up for my "defectiveness" by eliminating all my flaws. Or at least hide my flaws from others.

This is where the idea of perfection and having to achieve it to be enough came from for me. I burdened myself with the expectation of being perfect because I believed that it could hide my defectiveness and protect me from being seen as defective by others.

Can you relate to this? What do you think is driving your perfectionism? Why do you believe you need to be perfect when it's not humanly possible? What would happen if you would make mistakes and take things as they come without planning ahead, controlling every little detail? Sit with these questions, and share what comes up for you in the comments below.

Perfection Is Unattainable; Therefore Perfectionism Will Always Be Unhealthy

Because of its unattainable nature, there is no such thing as "healthy” perfectionism. In one way or another, behind our need for perfection is usually the belief that we have to make up for something. This belief can be driven by excessive criticism, bullying, discrimination, and high external expectations (culture, society, family, personal, etc.). There are many experiences that can drive our need to be perfect. Yet, it usually involves feeling like we have something to make up for. We try to cope with feeling inferior by imposing perfectionistic expectations on ourselves, which are unrealistic and unattainable expectations.

What's problematic is that expecting perfection will reinforce your belief that you're inferior. And here is why: You expect yourself to be perfect (which isn't humanly possible), and you never achieve your expectations (because they are unattainable), which continuously makes you feel like a failure and like you're not good enough and like you don't measure up.

And that's why there is no such thing as healthy perfectionism. I used to pride myself on being a perfectionist. I thought it was what gave me drive and grit. I thought it was what sets me apart, what made me special, independent, and reliable. When in reality, perfectionism is what causes me to procrastinate, to feel overwhelming anxiety every time I have to perform, to worry excessively about how to best control the outcome, to be extremely hard on myself to keep myself in "check" and to care too much about what others think or me or say about me. And there are many more negative consequences on that list. 

At this point, I want you to take a moment and consider how expecting you to be perfect effects you, your relationships, and your work! 

If you come up with a similar list to mine, you will by now be convinced that being a perfectionist is no longer an option for you. It's something you struggle with, something you can identify with, but going forward, you want to change and adopt a healthier mindset. At the same time, you don't want to lower your standards; keep up your high performance yet reduce the negative effects perfectionism has on your mental health.

If this is what you're feeling right now, and you know you no longer want to be a perfectionist but don't know how to stop being one, this article is for you. Keep reading as I am about to get into strategies you can use to manage your perfectionism and adopt a healthier approach to life.

Manage Your Perfectionism*

*Without Lowering Your Standards & Without The Negative Impact On Your Mental Health

The best way to address perfectionism is to tackle its three main pillars: Unrealistic expectations, Need for External Approval, and Fear of Failure (Making Mistakes). Each pillar affects the other as all three symptoms are related. Working on one will help reduce the effect of the other two. I will show you why, but first, we have to discuss what it means to implement sustainable change and what you can expect from this journey.

Perfectionism is an engrained way of being. Perfectionism is in your thoughts, your beliefs, and your actions. I'm not telling you this to discourage you from freeing yourself from your perfectionism but to normalize that the journey you're about to start is not going to be smooth. There will be ups and downs. My point is I don't want you to expect your healing journey to be perfect. It sounds obvious, but don't be fooled. Perfectionism has been our natural way of being for a while; that's not going just to go away.

I will share 3 strategies (one to manage each pillar of perfectionism). If you're like me, you're very motivated to make the changes below and to stop being a perfectionist right away. While that motivation is amazing, and I love how excited you are to make healthy changes in your life, don't let this motivation lure you into overcommitment! You may want to implement all 3 strategies at once, but please don't fall into the motivation trap. Motivation fluctuates, and while we can assume that in the beginning, motivation is high, it decreases as time goes on. So, don't base your goals on your level of motivation now. Pick one strategy and implement it into your daily routine. And then go from there. Maybe you'll have to try a different strategy, or maybe you want to move on to working on the next strategy. It doesn't matter; what matters is that you stay committed to healing. And to find what works for you without overwhelming you. Don't expect perfection in your recovery journey from perfectionism.

With that in mind, read through the 3 strategies below and let me know which one you choose to concentrate on. I can't wait to see what you picked, why, and how you plan to integrate it into your daily routine.

Striving for Excellence Instead Of Perfection

When it comes to perfectionism, we need to learn how to set realistic expectations. As perfectionists, we tend to set unrealistic and unattainable expectations, which is driving our feelings of inferiority and increasing our need for perfection to make up for it. 

To set realistic expectations without lowering your standards, I want you to stop striving for perfection and instead start striving for excellence. While that may seem like a small difference, making this shift can significantly increase your confidence and your feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment. 

The difference between perfection and excellence is that excellence is humanly achievable. It's still extremely difficult to achieve, but it is achievable. Striving for excellence requires you to lay out the goal. To describe what needs to be done and how it needs to be achieved. This makes your goal more tangible and allows you to set realistic expectations as you need to weigh different options and create a first draft action plan as to how to get there.

If you want to shift your focus from expecting perfection to striving for excellence, you can ask yourself the self-reflection questions below as they guide you through making the necessary mindset shifts:

1. What specific actions or behaviors do I currently engage in that reflect my focus on perfection?

2. How has my focus on perfection impacted my life and relationships?

3. How can I redefine my goals and expectations in a way that emphasizes excellence over perfection?

4. What steps can I take to embrace a growth mindset and focus on continual improvement rather than striving for unattainable perfection?

5. How can I acknowledge and celebrate my successes and progress rather than only focusing on my mistakes or perceived failures?

6. How can I develop self-compassion and learn to be kinder and more forgiving toward myself when I make mistakes or fall short of my goals?

7. What specific strategies can I use to maintain a focus on excellence and growth, even when faced with setbacks or challenges?

8. How can I build a supportive network of people who encourage and challenge me to pursue excellence rather than perfection?

9. How can I continue to learn and grow, both personally and professionally, in order to achieve a greater sense of fulfillment and purpose in my life?

10. What steps can I take to ensure that I am living a balanced and fulfilling life rather than placing an unhealthy emphasis on achievement and perfectionism?

Seeking External Approval

As perfectionists, we often seek out approval from others. I believe this comes from a deep sense of disapproval of yourself and low levels of self-confidence. When we don't approve of ourselves or feel confident, we often act and behave in ways that make us feel approved or more confident and reassured.

If you notice that you're overly reliant and always seeking out approval from others, you may want to work on it. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel approved of and being reassured, seeking it out too much or becoming dependent on it is unhealthy and brings along many negative consequences, such as: being unable to make decisions on your own, overthinking everything, and being stuck in deliberation and inaction.

How does constantly seeking out approval from others has impacted you? What does seeking approval look like to do, and how does it make you change yourself? Sit with this question, and if you feel comfortable, share what came up for you with us in the comments below.

If you came to the conclusion that you want to work on your need for external approval, I have a strategy for you that may make you laugh, but it's been extremely helpful to me. 

I call this strategy: Acting outside the box. If you feel like you rely on the approval of others, one way to unlearn that and to become comfortable with being disapproved of or not having external approval is to act in ways that others don't approve of. Now before you get started on ideas, let me remind you that you can act in ways that others disapprove of without hurting anybody. Acting outside the box isn't about hurting others but about small acts of rebellion. 

Acting outside the box doesn't hurt anybody but certainly will get you used to the feeling of discomfort. Acting outside the box could look like singing along while doing the groceries, practicing a new skill in public (juggling, sports, or arts), saying hello to people who walk by, or sharing a positive affirmation with them. All these actions don't hurt anybody, but they will surely draw attention and have you feel uncomfortable as they push the boundaries of your conditioning not to draw any attention and to be perfectly invisible. 

What acting-outside-the-box ideas can you come up with? Let me know in the comments below. I'm so curious to see what you can come up with.

Fear of Failure (Fear of Making Mistakes)

Perfection is the absence of all flaws. When we're perfectionists, we are obsessed with hiding our flaws and making up for them. Making mistakes or even failing at something stands in direct contrast with being a perfectionist. It makes sense that we are terrified of making mistakes, being bad at something, or having to improve. We expect ourselves to be good at everything we start and not to have to improve but to achieve perfection right away. 

If you feel this way, then I need to keep reading and giving the next strategy a real try. If you're scared of making mistakes, you need to learn how to disidentify with your mistakes. You need to stop thinking that any mistakes or failures on your part are defining who you are. But you need to learn to understand that mistakes are a natural part of growth and learning. Without mistakes, there is no growth, and without growth, there are increasing feelings of dissatisfaction, lostness, directionless, and incompetence. 

To embrace mistakes and disidentify with them, you need to see mistakes as part of progress. To do that, I want you to stop thinking of anything short of perfection as a failure and to learn to view your progress as success. 

Embrace this: Even when I stubble forward, I will still have made more progress than if I hadn't tried at all.

Any forward movement is cause for celebration; mistakes are part of the challenge and not cause for punishment but a chance to reassess and adapt. Embracing and allowing yourself to learn and make mistakes allows you to be flexible, to take small calculated risks, and to gradually increase the difficulty level and, ultimately, your skill.

Did you like this article? If so, let me know in the comments below or give this article a like. I cant wait to see what you will share with me in the comments. See you there.