My Normal Was Dysfunctional: How I Started Reconnecting with Myself
Why Growing Up in Dysfunction Left Me Disconnected from Myself
Growing Up Without Realizing Dysfunction
When I grew up in a dysfunctional family dynamic, I didn’t know it. I thought everything I experienced was normal because it was all I had ever known. It shaped the way I saw relationships and the world, and for the longest time, I couldn’t see anything wrong. Dysfunction, when it’s all you’ve ever known, hides in plain sight.
For me, the biggest sign that I grew up with dysfunction wasn’t something external. It was the way I related to myself. I had an unhealthy relationship with myself and didn’t even realize it. Growing up, there wasn’t any room for individuality or authenticity in my family. Without space for those things, I never really learned who I was. Instead, I learned who I should be—the role I should play and the tasks I needed to carry out to keep things running smoothly.
The Role I Played Instead of Who I Was
I became who I thought I needed to be: someone who kept the peace, stayed easygoing, remained quiet, and didn’t express negative feelings. That’s who I thought I was, but in reality, it was just the role I played to survive in a dynamic where there wasn’t room for me to truly exist as myself.
It took me until my mid-twenties to start questioning this. At the time, I was pursuing my PhD, something I had worked toward for as long as I could remember. I was “on track,” even ahead of my goals. But I was miserable. I’d worked so hard to get to where I was, yet I felt empty. I was so disconnected from myself that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. That’s when I started to unravel what was really going on.
Realizing What Was Missing
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