Overcoming People-Pleasing: A Guide to Acting with Authenticity and Prioritizing Your Needs

Explore the difference between people-pleasing and genuine kindness, the motivations behind people-pleasing, its consequences, and gain a deeper understanding of yourself to live a more fulfilled life

Hi, 👋 this is Klara with a free in-depth article of fittingrightin. In every article, I cover knowledge, skills, and strategies every recovering people-pleaser needs. For the full experience with new articles every Tuesday and Thursday, monthly live Q&As, plus free downloadable worksheets and guides, subscribe:

Are you tired of putting the needs of others before your own? Are you ready to explore the difference between genuine kindness and people-pleasing?

In this article, you will discover the fine line between the two and how to stay considerate while not abandoning yourself. We will deeply dive into the motivations behind your people-pleasing, the consequences of neglecting your own needs, and how to overcome these tendencies to live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Don't let fear any longer control your actions, and start your journey of recovery today by reading this article.

Often I wish there was a different term for “people-pleasing” because, inherently, there is nothing wrong with wanting to care for someone and make them feel good. In fact, many people-pleasers often fear that if they work on their need to please, they will turn into horrible and inconsiderate people.

Surprisingly, it's quite the opposite! Recovering from people-pleasing has made me much more empathetic, kind, compassionate, and honest. I'm no longer secretly harboring resentment or acting out of obligation but rather enjoy the self-empowerment that comes from respecting my own limits and needs while staying considerate, supportive, and kind towards others (and myself).

Wanting to please others only becomes problematic when we consider and fulfill the needs of others while continuously suppressing and neglecting our own needs.

There is a big difference between helping and supporting others out of genuine care and consideration rather than from a place of obligation and fear.

When acting out of genuine care, we take our needs and wants into consideration, as well as the needs of others. When we people-please, however, we ignore our needs and desires while focusing on fulfilling the needs of others. That's why people-pleasing is a form of self-abandonment; it jeopardizes our own well-being.

For this reason, I like to use the term "people-pleasing” when someone neglects their own needs to please others and “genuine kindness” when we act out of authentic consideration.

“People-pleasing isn't love. It's fear.” (Quote by Unknown)

When we people-please, we act out of fear, whereas when we act out of authentic kindness, we act out of love. That's, in my opinion, the most significant difference between the two. To differentiate between the two, we need to investigate the true motivation behind our actions and the feelings we feel before, during, and after.

Exploring the Fine Line between Genuine Kindness and People-Pleasing: Discover how to Stay Considerate While not Abandoning Yourself.

Let's start by taking a closer look at what people-pleasing is, our motivation behind our actions, and how it makes us feel:

As established earlier, people-pleasing means you neglect your feelings and needs because you prioritize other people's needs and feelings. The motivations behind people-pleasing can differ, but I find that they all have one in common: fear!

The reason why you prioritize the needs of others while neglecting and suppressing your own needs is that you are scared of what would happen if you did express your feelings and needs. Often we fear that we will be abandoned, that we will be rejected or that there will be conflict.

You might fear someone no longer wants to be with you or spend time with you if you express your needs, feelings, and opinions. Or maybe you're scared that someone might not want to be there for you when you ask for what you need. Or maybe you're scared of how someone will react if you state your limits and express your true feelings. And often, it's because you have had experiences in the past where this has happened to you!

That's how people-pleasing creates transactional relationships. We believe that if we do “our part” and please others that in return, we won't be abandoned, rejected, yelled at, shamed, or ridiculed. Our motivation behind people-pleasing is to protect ourselves against our fears.

People-pleasing, however, is an unhealthy coping mechanism for fear because we have to neglect and abandon ourselves to do it. We must conceal our true feelings, needs, and wants to ensure we keep others happy and meet their needs.

Abandoning yourself, however, brings horrible consequences. I am sure you are experiencing some of them right now, which is why you sought help through this article. Abandoning yourself consistently leads to feeling depressed, lost, anxious, lonely, hollow, and powerless and leaves you without a sense of self. That's the actual cost of people-pleasing. Accompanied by feelings of resentment, depletion, and burnout as a result of continuously failing to meet your own needs.

Here is an example of what people-pleasing looks like:

Your friend asks you to meet them for coffee while you're swamped with work. Even though you don't want to and don't have the capacity, you agree to meet your friend because you fear your friend won't ask you to spend time with them again if you decline. Or because you fear their disappointment, that conflict erupts, or they won't treat you the same in future interactions.

In return for meeting your friend, you expect your fears not to come true, not to have to deal with conflict and disappointment and to continue to be included. You create a transaction in your head: I will have coffee with them even though I'm too busy because I'm scared that I won't be included in the future, and in return, I can expect to continue to be included.

The problem with people-pleasing is that, on the surface, it looks like a friendly, innocent behavior, but in the end, it's harmful to everyone involved.

We (the people-pleaser) feel disconnected from ourselves, lost, resentful, and depleted, while the person on the receiving end won't get the chance to get to know you fully and what your needs and wants are. Not showing up authentically and not sharing your actual needs, limits and feelings will always keep others at an arm’s length, and it doesn't allow you to create a deeper connection because no trust can be built.

That's what people-pleasing is, how it affects you and your relationships.

Now, please believe me when I say that you can recover from it and still help and be considerate towards others, and it's through genuine kindness:

Genuine kindness means to give freely. You are driven by your desire to share, love, and support, not fear. You give freely simply because you want to and when you have the ability and capacity to.

When you please someone out of genuine kindness, you don't expect something in return, which means you don't secretly harbor feelings of resentment, frustration, or burnout. It also means that when you can't give or don't want to, you don't. You consider other people's needs but ultimately respect your own needs and limits equally.

When you act out of genuine kindness, you don't create transactional relationships; you consider your needs, limits, and desires while also considering those of others. The main difference is that you don't abandon yourself! You add yourself to the equation.

In the example earlier, acting out of genuine kindness may look something like this:

Your friend asks to meet you to meet them for coffee while you're swamped with work. You recognize that you are hitting your capacity and can't commit to something else without sacrificing your emotional, physical, or mental well-being.

So you tell your friend: “I'm swamped with work right now, so I can't meet you for coffee, but I would love to schedule a time that works for both of us to connect.”

Optional addition: “If you want to meet me because you are going through something right now and because you really need me, please let me know, and I can make the time to be there for you.”

Do you see the difference between people-pleasing and acting out of genuine kindness?

In this example, the people-pleaser did not consider their needs but acted out of their fears. While the person acting out of genuine kindness considered, stated, and honored their own needs while also considering their friend’s needs for support and connection.

I hope that you now understand that recovering from people-pleasing won't turn you into a horrible, self-centered person but will allow you to both take care and honor yourself and others.

Take home message:

In the end, what's important is that you understand the difference between genuine kindness and people-pleasing, as it is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship with others while staying connected and taking care of yourself.

I hope this article has given you insights to help you as you begin your journey of recovery from people-pleasing. Remember, setting boundaries and prioritizing your needs is scary but necessary if you want to heal from your loss of self.

Being true to yourself and acting out of genuine kindness towards others will help deepen your connection to others and yourself. Before you leave, take a moment to be proud of yourself for seeking help, for putting in the time, and for learning how to heal by reading this article. You're doing great, and I'm proud of you and sitting at my desk cheering you on!

If you want to commit to starting your recovery journey from people-pleasing and take action towards healing your relationship with yourself and unlearning all the ways you've internalized that you need to put the needs of others first, then become a paid subscriber today:

Did this article resonate with you? If so, do this next:

To explore the difference between genuine kindness and people-pleasing yourself, it's helpful to reflect on your own experiences. To help you with this, I've provided a few journaling prompts to get you started and guide you.

They will help you reflect on your motivations and feelings in past situations, set goals for maintaining healthy boundaries in the future, and understand how you may neglect your own needs while trying to please others.

If you deeply resonated with this article, I want you to take a moment right now to commit to reflecting on the prompts below. By taking the time to sit with yourself and further explore what drives your people-pleasing and how you can let go of it, you will be better equipped to identify and overcome your own people-pleasing tendencies and act with authenticity and kindness.

Journaling Prompts to Explore how to Move From People-Pleasing to Genuine Kindness:

1. Reflect on a recent situation where you felt like you were people-pleasing. What was the motivation behind your actions? What were you afraid of? What did you fear?

2. Think about a time when you acted out of genuine kindness. What was different about that situation compared to when you felt you were people-pleasing?

3. Write about your fear of expressing your needs and feelings to others. How does this fear affect your behavior in relationships?

4. Consider a situation when you set a boundary or expressed your needs in a relationship. How did it make you feel, and how did the other person react?

5. Reflect on the quote, "People-pleasing isn't love. It's fear." How does this statement resonate with you? How does it apply to your past and current relationships, including your relationship with yourself?

6. Write about a specific goal for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships. How can you work towards this goal?

7. Reflect on the idea of "self-abandonment" in people-pleasing. How do you neglect your needs and wants when trying to please others?

8. How can you tell the difference between genuine kindness and people-pleasing? How can you ensure that you act out of genuine care and consideration for yourself and others?

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