People-Pleasing as a Form of Control

Learn to Shift Your Focus to What You Can Control and Improve Your Mental Health

People-pleasing is a form of control. We please others to try to ensure that our needs are met. We often please others to control their perception of us and prevent conflict or disappointment. This is often problematic because how others perceive us and if they are disappointed in us isn't entirely under our control. We can please them in hopes of making conflict, dislike, and disappointment less likely, but in the end, it's up to the people we please and how they feel about us or a situation. Trying to control things outside our control is impossible, which is why many people-pleasers struggle with increased feelings of anxiety and resentment. 

We often feel anxious when we people-please because we feel powerless and unsafe. We feel powerless because even if we please everyone as best as we can, we still won't please everyone, and from time to time, there will still be arguments and disappointment even if we try our very best. We also feel unsafe because we know we ultimately can't prevent the things we are so deadly afraid of (conflict, dislike, and disappointment).

We also often feel resentful because, in our heads, we create transactional relationships. We think that since we please others and sacrifice ourselves in return, we deserve to be liked and for no conflict to come up. We expect something in return for our efforts, and when we don't get what we secretly want, we often end up feeling resentful.

To stop using people-pleasing to control your environment and the people around you, you first need to learn what's inside and outside your control. The second step is to learn to focus on controlling what's under your direct control and to let go of trying to control things that are outside your control.

What is inside and outside of my control?

Suppose you want to stop using people-pleasing to control others and your environment. In that case, you need to understand what's inside and outside of your control and shift your focus from trying to control things outside your control to what's under your control.