Rediscovering Yourself After Years Of People-Pleasing

How to overcome self-abandonment by reconnecting with yourself

One of the biggest issues I see with people-pleasing is the self-abandonment aspect of it. Self-abandonment means suppressing or ignoring our thoughts, beliefs, feelings, needs, and instincts and instead catering to those of others.

This becomes especially problematic when we people-please for a very long time because we unlearn what it means to be connected to ourselves. And this often looks like this in daily life: 

• having difficulty making your own decision

• not being able to form your own opinions

• having trouble identifying how you feel

• having trouble knowing what you want and who you are.

Combined, these problems represent self-loss, the ultimate consequence of self-abandonment. 

That’s why recovering from people-pleasing isn’t just as easy as saying no and being yourself. Many of us, including me, have abandoned ourselves for so long that we no longer know who we are. So, it’s not as easy as just being ourselves; we must first find a way back to ourselves.

After years of suppressing and pushing away our feelings, needs, and who we are at our core, it’s become difficult to access it again. When we reach that point, many of us recovering people-pleasers think that there’s something wrong with us. If that’s you, this is where I want to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you for not knowing who you are, what you want, or how you feel. You’ve simply unlearned how to know.

But the good news is that your authentic self—your thoughts, feelings, needs, and instincts—remain accessible to you no matter how long you’ve suppressed them. You just need to learn how to attune to yourself again. And how you do that is something I want to talk to you about today.

Another day, another walk through a wonderful park with Teddy. I am not going to lie; I don’t look forward to our walks every day, but I am often surprised by how much I enjoy them and how much better I feel afterward.