The Lesson That Changed the Way I Set Boundaries
How I Realized Boundaries Start with Emotional Understanding
Finding the Right Words
When I first started setting boundaries, I thought the hardest part was finding the right words. How do I say this without sounding mean? How do I make them understand? And then, once I had the words, I thought the next hurdle was having the confidence to actually say them. I spent hours psyching myself up, rehearsing, and preparing for every possible reaction.
The Hardest Part of Boundaries
But the truth? Those weren’t the hardest parts at all.
The hardest and most important part of setting boundaries wasn’t about the words I chose or the courage it took to deliver them. It was
about my understanding of emotional boundaries—what to take on and what not to. It was about knowing, deep in my bones, that other people’s feelings, opinions, and reactions weren’t mine to solve or change. Once I understood this, it made setting boundaries easy, as setting them became a natural consequence of understanding where you start and others end, and vice-versa.
Unlearning Old Patterns
At first, this was the most unnatural thing in the world. I had spent so much of my life believing it was my job to keep the peace, to smooth things over, to make sure everyone was okay. It felt impossible to separate where my responsibilities ended and where someone else’s began. The guilt and fear were overwhelming—guilt that I was hurting someone by standing up for myself and fear of how they might react. But what I’ve learned is this: boundaries don’t start with the words you say to someone else. They start with the words you say to yourself.
A New Way of Thinking
I had to learn how to remind myself, over and over, that their feelings were not mine to fix. Their disappointment? Not mine to carry. Their anger? Not mine to resolve. Their opinions about my boundaries? Not mine to change. But at the same time, I allow myself to care about how others feel without taking it on or taking it personally.
This didn’t happen overnight. It was a process of unlearning years of conditioning and practicing a new way of thinking. I had to let myself feel the discomfort of not rushing to make everything okay. I had to sit with the urge to explain, justify, or soften my stance and choose instead to hold steady.
Emotional Boundaries Are About Responsibility
What helped me the most was understanding that emotional boundaries aren’t about controlling others; they’re about taking responsibility for myself. When I internalized this, it started to shift how I felt. The fear and guilt began to fade, replaced by a sense of freedom and peace I hadn’t known before. Setting boundaries stopped feeling like this huge, anxiety-inducing task and started feeling like an act of care—for me and for the other person. Because when I stopped taking on their feelings, I also stopped interfering in their growth.
Shifting Beliefs About Boundaries
The most important thing I’ve realized is this: boundaries aren’t just about what you say to others; they’re about what you allow yourself to believe. If you believe it’s your job to manage everyone else’s feelings, setting boundaries will always feel impossible. But if you can understand, on a deep level, that other people’s emotions are theirs to handle, boundaries become something else entirely. They become a way of respecting yourself and others—a way of saying, “I trust you to take care of you, and I’ll take care of me.”
Questions to Ask Yourself
If you’re struggling to set boundaries, I want to encourage you to look beyond the words and actions. Ask yourself: What do I believe about my responsibility in this situation? Am I trying to solve feelings that aren’t mine to solve? What would it look like to let go of that?
The Freedom of Boundaries
This shift isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. And the more you practice, the more natural it becomes. Over time, you might find yourself, as I did, moving through life with less fear and guilt and more confidence and clarity. Because the real magic of boundaries isn’t in what they protect you from—it’s in what they allow you to step into: your own freedom, your own peace, and your own sense of self.
Until next time, take care of yourself,
Klara
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