Understanding and Overcoming the Emotions and Behaviors of Feeling Like a Burden
Exploring the Root Causes and Impact of Believing You are a Burden on Others
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Have you ever worried that you're a burden to others. Worried that you're too much, asking for too much and that others will leave you as soon as they notice?
Have you ever felt this way? Let me know in the comments below.
If you ever have felt this way, today's article is for you.
We will explore the different emotions and behaviors that arise when we feel like a burden, and examine common thoughts and beliefs that contribute to feeling like a burden, such as "I shouldn't ask for help" or "I can handle this on my own".
The article also explores how past traumatic experiences, lack of support, and societal pressure can contribute to feeling like a burden. If you're interested in understanding more about how to overcome feeling like a burden, become a paid subscriber to read the full article.
What does it mean to be a burden?
Feeling like a burden means you believe that your mere presence of needs is causing others inconveniences, trouble,s or financial, emotional, or mental stress. Whenever we feel something, it's essential to name and identify our emotions correctly. Feeling like a burden isn't describing an actual emotion but more so a range of emotions. Feeling like a burden often consists of feeling:
Guilt: Feeling like we have done something wrong, that we have caused someone harm, and we often view guilt by judging ourselves through other people's eyes.
Shame: Feeling like we're inadequate beings, we often feel embarrassed and inadequate about who we are, what we value, need, and want, and our capabilities.
Fear: Feeling scared that others might reject or abandon us.
Anxiety: Feeling worried about the possibility of having caused someone harm or trouble.
Hopelessness & Helplessness: Feeling like there is no way out of this situation like no one can help us, and that there is no way the situation can ever change or improve.
Feeling like a burden shows up in different ways in our thinking and our behavior. When we feel like a burden, we avoid reaching out to others to ask for help; we minimize our needs and avoid "rocking the boat."
Behaviors We Exhibit When we Fear to be A Burden to Others:
Remember that I'm not an expert on you, these behaviors can vary from person to person, and not everyone will show the same behaviors. Often the listed behaviors develop as coping mechanisms and are unconscious and unintentional.
Downplaying, hiding, and minimizing your needs and problems to avoid troubling others.
Refusing and declining support and help from others when it's needed.
Withdrawing yourself from others.
Being overly independent when it's not necessary.
Being overly apologetic and polite.
Taking criticism and rejection personally.
Being overly considerate of others, prioritizing their needs, and being overly agreeable.
Often it's not only the behaviors that are problematic when it comes to overcoming feeling like a burden but also the thoughts that drive us to the behaviors listed above.
Understanding examples of thoughts or beliefs we have when we worry about feeling like a burden can be helpful as they often are the root of the above-listed behaviors we may want to unlearn.
Thoughts and Beliefs We Have When we Fear to be A Burden to Others:
Remember that it's not uncommon to have the listed thoughts below, but recognize how those thoughts hold you back from reaching out for help when they strongly indicate that one would benefit from help breaking out of these thought and belief patterns.
"I shouldn't ask for help; others will think of me as a burden."
"I should keep my problems to myself; I don't want to cause a fuss."
"No one would want to be with me if they find out how needy and difficult I am."
"I can handle this independently, and I don't want others to worry about this."
"I should be able to handle this alone, and I'm too needy."
"Others have their own problems to worry about. Who am I to add to that?!"
"They wouldn't invite me again if I shared my problems with them."
"Maybe it's too much or unreasonable to ask for this, and I'm sure I can figure it out on my own."
If you notice yourself thinking any of the listed thoughts above, your perception of yourself and your relationships leads to the belief that they are a burden. Now, this doesn't just happen out of nowhere; you could have experienced traumatic events, experience a lack of support, been overwhelmed by social and cultural pressure, or have had past experiences of constantly being rejected, abandoned, or criticized for asking for help or support in the past, driving you to believe that you are indeed a burden to others.
Seemingly innocent scenarios that give you the impression you're a burden to others:
This is not to say that if you have ever experienced the listed below, it automatically makes you believe you're a burden. But if you have constantly been at the receiving end of the listed things below, chances are they planted your belief that you're a burden.
Being directly told that you're a burden.
Being ignored, rejected, abandoned, or punished when asking for help.
Being civilized, ridiculed, or belittled for expressing your needs or problems.
Being made to feel guilty or ashamed if you asked for what you needed.
Being made to feel your needs are inappropriate or "too much."
Being told that you're a financial or emotional burden.
How can I explore my belief that I feel like a burden and unlearn it?
Exploring and unlearning your belief and associated behaviors that come from feeling like a burden can be challenging. Still, I've experienced how empowering and life-changing it is to rid yourself of feeling like your mere existence is an inconvenience to others.
Here are some ideas on how you can start unlearning your belief and behaviors related to feeling like a burden:
Identify your triggers: Identify situations, conversations, or interactions that trigger your belief that you're a burden. Becoming aware of your triggers will help you understand when your coping behaviors will surface and allow you to find healthier ways to cope.
Challenge your negative thoughts: There is nothing wrong with having negative thoughts, as long as you keep them in check and don't believe everything your brain comes up with. When you notice negative thoughts, question your thought, ask what evidence you have to support that thought, and make the necessary adjustments.
Validate yourself and your needs: When you pay attention to your negative thoughts, you will often talk yourself out of your needs. When you notice this, pause, remind yourself that needs are a requirement for your well-being, and investigate where the idea that you shouldn't have needed is coming from.
To help you implement the steps above and to gain a deeper understanding of where your feelings of being a burden are coming from, use the self-reflection questions below (journaling prompts) as guidance.
Question to ask yourself to become aware and unlearn your belief that you're a burden to others:
As with every set of self-reflection questions, feel free to sit with it and come back to it from time to time. You can even reflect on these questions regularly as your awareness and understanding of yourself deepens.
When do I typically feel like a burden? What specific interactions, thoughts, and situations trigger this feeling?
What scenarios scare me to feel like a burden?
How do I behave when I feel like a burden? Do I withdraw, minimize my needs, or avoid asking for help?
In what situations or interactions do I not feel like a burden? What is different, then?
Do others think of me as a burden? If so, what's your evidence?
How has a feeling like a burden affected my relationships with others? How has it affected me?
When did I find the courage and ask for help? How did it feel, and what was different then?
How can I challenge my negative thoughts and beliefs about myself when I feel like a burden?
When working through the steps above and the self-reflection questions, remember that unlearning to feel like a burden is a process. You can't shake this set of beliefs and behaviors overnight, just like they didn't show up overnight. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself and acknowledge the progress you're making.
If you liked this article share your experience of it with me in the comments, also share any further questions you have. Can't wait to see your comments and start a conversation.
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