Why My Boundaries Weren’t Working and What I Learned
Setting Boundaries Isn’t What I Thought It Was
Times I Thought I Was Setting Boundaries (When I Wasn’t)
For a long time, I thought I was setting boundaries. I would walk away from a conversation thinking I’d stood up for myself, only to feel frustrated and hurt when nothing changed. It took me a while to realize that what I was doing wasn’t setting boundaries at all.
Looking back, I can see some clear patterns. Here are the times I thought I was setting boundaries but wasn’t:
Making Requests Instead of Setting Boundaries
One of the biggest mistakes I made was confusing requests with boundaries. I’d say things like, “I need you to stop doing that,” or “Can you please not say that to me?” And when the other person didn’t change, I’d feel disappointed and resentful. What I didn’t understand was that boundaries aren’t about telling someone else what to do. They’re about deciding what I will do if the behavior continues.
Telling Someone What to Do
There were times I thought I was being firm by saying things like, “You need to stop talking to me like that.” But this isn’t a boundary either. A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else’s behavior; it’s about communicating my own limits and deciding how I’ll respond if those limits are crossed.
Self-Isolating and Calling It a Boundary
When I felt overwhelmed or hurt, I’d retreat into myself, cutting off communication and calling it a boundary. But self-isolation isn’t a healthy boundary. It’s a coping mechanism that often leaves unresolved feelings and unmet needs. Boundaries are about creating clarity and mutual understanding, not shutting others out completely.
Setting Boundaries Without Following Through
There were also times I thought I was setting boundaries because I’d say something like, “If this happens again, I’m going to leave.” But when it happened again, I stayed. A boundary without follow-through isn’t a boundary at all. It’s just words. For a boundary to be effective, it requires consistent action on my part.
Over-Explaining Myself
I’d spend so much time explaining why I needed a boundary, trying to get the other person to agree with me or understand my perspective. I’d think, “If they really get where I’m coming from, they’ll respect my boundary.” But boundaries aren’t about convincing someone else. They’re about stating what I need and standing by it, regardless of whether the other person agrees.
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What Boundaries Actually Are
What I’ve learned is that boundaries are about me. They’re not about changing someone else’s behavior or getting them to agree with me. A boundary doesn’t require the other person to do anything at all. It only requires me to commit to it.
Boundaries mean speaking for myself and letting others feel or think whatever they want about it. For example:
Instead of saying, “You need to stop speaking to me that way,” I can say, “If you continue to speak to me that way, I’m going to end this conversation.”
Instead of isolating myself, I can say, “I need some time to process my feelings. I’ll reach out when I’m ready to talk.”
Instead of over-explaining, I can simply say, “I’m not comfortable with that.”
The Freedom in Boundaries
What’s freeing about real boundaries is that they put the focus back on me. They don’t rely on someone else’s cooperation or approval. They’re a way of standing in my own power and taking responsibility for my own well-being.
If you’ve been struggling with boundaries, I hope this helps you take a step back and ask: “Am I setting a real boundary, or am I trying to manage someone else?” The answer might surprise you, but it can also set you on a path toward clarity and peace.
Until next time, take care of yourself,
Klara
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