My story

How I changed my life by dropping out of my PhD, finding out I was a people-pleaser and how I started my journey to reconnect with who I genuinely am + what I truly want.

Hi, my name is Klara, and I'm a recovering people-pleaser and highly sensitive person (HSP).

I'm a 27-year-old Ph.D. drop-out and help highly sensitive people who struggle with people-pleasing, shift their focus from others back onto themselves, set empowered boundaries, build confidence, reconnect with who they are + help them create a new version of themselves, one without the people-pleasing.

My whole life, I was what others would call a high achiever who has her life figured out. Straight A student, the first in my family to go to college, first one to graduate, first one to get a Master's Degree, etc.

I was the "golden" child, the one my family and friends pointed at and said she had it all figured out. All the while, I was miserable. I wasn't satisfied and grew increasingly unhappy while seemingly achieving all my goals. I didn't know what would make me happy, so I continued with what I was doing and eventually woke up 7 years later in a Ph.D. program for molecular biology at one of the top universities in the US, still feeling increasingly miserable.

My face reflects how unhappy I was in my Ph.D. Program

I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me, but I felt something was missing, something essential. And I wasn't prepared for what I found out. 

My entire life changed in 2020 when the pandemic hit. For the first time in my life, I was forced to hit pause. I was forced to stay home and stop working since I didn't have a lab setup at home. So I started to spend more time working out, playing board games with my partner, puzzling, and doing other things I enjoyed to pass the time. And that's when it hit me. Here I was in the middle of a worldwide pandemic, having never been happier in my life. 

I realized that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was capable of being happy and feeling fulfilled. Sitting at my dining room table, completing a puzzle with my partner, I felt nothing was missing. I was at peace for the first time in a long time, maybe for the first time ever. 

Being forced to stay home felt like a blessing, and I dreaded the day I had to go back into the lab. It became clearer that getting my Ph.D. in Molecular Biology wasn't right for me, and when I was being honest with myself, I knew that the entire time. Yet, I felt terrified by the thought of quitting and paralyzed by having to imagine I would have to figure out what I wanted to do instead. So, I did what every responsible human being would do, and I googled: Should I quit my Ph.D.? 

To my surprise, I didn't find an answer online, so I did the next reasonable thing: I obsessively called my parents, my brothers, my friends, my partner, and “my mother-in-law”, explaining how I hated getting my Ph.D., hoping they would tell me I should quit. Some said I should, others said I shouldn't, others said they couldn't possibly tell me what to do and that I had to figure it out on my own. Again, I didn't leave those conversations feeling like I had it in me to quit. 

So, I didn't do anything about it, hoping the pandemic would continue so I didn't have to return to work. But the day came, and I had to go back. And I remember the dread I felt when I got into my car to drive to the lab. 

I remember entering the parking lot, being unable to leave my car, and feeling paralyzed by the thought that I had to return to my life before the pandemic. Something changed. I've seen that happiness and contentment were possible for me, something I questioned up until the pandemic. That day, I drove to the lab and sat in my car in the parking lot for 15 minutes, feeling paralyzed by the thought of having to go to work. Then I wiped my tears away, left my car, entered the lab, and pretended everything was fine and that I was happy to be back. This became my ritual for the next 120 days.

The thought of quitting while not knowing what I wanted to do instead was so terrifying that I would rather stay miserable. I chose to be miserable for sure over having to face uncertainty. I was stuck.

Each day, it became harder to get out of my car and keep the happy charade up at work. My work ethic started rapidly declining while binge eating, binge-watching, drinking, and smoking went through the roof. I was done; I had enough; I reached rock bottom. I was miserable day in and day out. Each day waking up knowing I had to go to work felt like torture.

So day by day, choosing uncertainty over inevitable misery became a little less scary. One day, I emailed my professor and asked him if we could schedule a phone call, and we did. When the day came, I called my professor and told him I had decided to quit.

I still remember how much lighter I felt when the words left my mouth. I was relieved, excited, and ready to do whatever it took to figure out why I didn't know what I wanted to do. I felt alive again.

I'm happy to tell you that there hasn't been a day, and believe me, I've had some difficult days since, in the last 2 years since I dropped out of my Ph.D., I regretted my decision. It was the first decision in my entire life that I had made by myself, for myself, and it felt great.

After I quit my Ph.D., I realized I had no idea what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, or who I was. I was the "golden" child, the straight A student, the Ph.D. student who had her whole life figured out. Dropping out of my Ph.D. also meant dropping my identity. And I know it wasn't my true identity, but it was enough of a pseudo-identity that I didn't have to face the fact that I didn't have an identity aside from my academic achievements. Ouch. 

So here I was, 25 years old, standing in front of a blank canvas that was supposed to depict my life. I promised myself that this time, I would take the time to find out who I was and what I wanted to do that I wouldn't get scared and talk myself into becoming who I thought I should be and collect achievements again to gain a false sense of identity. And to my surprise, I was excited, not terrified. 

It's mindblowing to me how difficult it was for me to find information on how to find myself, and I would have probably quit if it wasn't for my deep belief that there must be a way for me to find myself. I knew it was possible because I've seen and interacted with people who know who they are and what they want. I became fascinated by people who spoke their minds, weren't scared to say "no," and dared to be uniquely themselves. 

I began my search for myself by asking why I didn't know who I was. Something must have happened to me that I couldn't make my own decisions and didn't know what I wanted to do, while others seemed to do so with ease. There must be something I can do to find myself again.

When I set out to find myself, I had a lot of life-changing revelations. Suddenly, I found language to describe how I felt and why I felt that way and found tools to help me recover and reconnect with myself. 

My biggest revelation was that much of my pain and feeling like something was missing was connected to my struggle with people-pleasing and codependency.

I learned that people-pleasing was a survival (coping) mechanism that I had to use as a highly sensitive person growing up in a "normal" household where all my physical needs were met, but I was emotionally neglected. I learned while people-pleasing was a brilliant survival technique growing up, that it caused a lot of damage to my mental health as an adult.

I learned that I've people-pleased for such a long time that it's become a habit. It's become my nature, my go-to. Having people-pleased for so long and suppressing my true feelings and needs drove a wedge between the real me and the me I thought I had to be. I became so disconnected from my true self, what I felt, needed, and wanted, that it made sense why I now, as an adult, had difficulty making decisions on my own and identifying what I wanted and who I was. 

In the end, I learned that to find myself; I needed to unlearn all the ways I had been taught to distance myself from who I really was. And now, I help others who feel disconnected from themselves and struggle with people-pleasing to recover who they are, set empowered boundaries, and build confidence so they feel safe enough to show up as their authentic self every day.

I hope that by sharing my story, you see that you can find yourself again, even if you feel like you never knew who you really were.

If you're on your recovery journey from people-pleasing but don't feel ready yet to work with a coach or therapist 1:1, or if you're looking for access to information that will support you in your recovery journey, consider subscribing to my in-depth content.

Sometimes what's standing between you and the next healthier version of yourself is simply having access to the right knowledge; with my in-depth content, you don't need to worry about that anymore, as the knowledge you need to take your healing journey to the next level is ready and all combined in one place for you. 

Learn everything from cultivating a sense of self-worth and setting boundaries to regaining a sense of self through my in-depth content. Filled with important articles covering: signs to look out for, self-reflection questions, and detailed step-by-step instructions on how to heal. You will also find other helpful resources like workbooks, worksheets, and exercises that support and guide you to your next healthier version of yourself.

Everything gets easier with the right support system, so instead of relying only on in-depth content to support you, you can join our community group chats to discuss the latest articles and common hurdles in your healing journey. Here you can also share your story and support others in their journey by directly interacting with me and all other in-depth content subscription members.

And if you still have questions, you can hop on our monthly live Q&A and ask me directly.