The difference between a request and a boundary
Why it matters and when to use which one
In today’s article, I want to discuss something that will fundamentally change your thoughts about boundaries. We will discuss the differences between making a request and setting a boundary in depth. You will understand the difference between the two and learn how to make a request and when it’s time to set a boundary.
The main difference between a request and the boundary is where the control lies. When you make a request, the other person has full autonomy over whether or not they want to meet your request. Thus, it’s out of your control.
When you set a boundary, however, you’re in control. Because setting a boundary is not about the other person but what you will do. It includes an action that doesn’t need anybody else’s cooperation. Whenever you set a boundary, you exert control over yourself, whereas when you make a request, you let others know what you need or prefer.
Here is an example:
You’re having an argument with your partner, and they started yelling at you.
Request: “Please stop yelling at me.”
Boundary: “I won’t continue this conversation if you yell at me. (Plus, you then leave the room).”
Do you see how setting a boundary exerts control over yourself, whereas making a request leaves it up to the other person?
Let’s take a look at another example:
You shared sensitive information with your mother and asked her not to share it with the entire family, but she did it anyway.
Request: “I asked you not to share this information. Next time, please remember not to share it with anyone if I’ve asked you not to.”
Boundary: “I am upset because you shared sensitive information with our entire family when I asked you not to. Moving forward, I won’t share sensitive information with you anymore that I don’t want the entire family to know.”
Do you see the difference between a request and a boundary?
In the first example, you’re making a request asking your partner, not to yell at you. Whether or not they will honor that request is completely up to them, so you’re not in control. However, when you’re setting a boundary, you’re the person in control. Leaving the room when your partner yells at you is completely in your control. You’re simply removing yourself from the behavior you don’t want to tolerate.
For the longest time, when I was a people pleaser early in my recovery journey, I thought I was setting boundaries when I was really only making requests. As you now understand, there’s a big difference between the two. Let’s talk about when to make a request and set a boundary.
Setting a boundary is exercising control over ourselves. Many people believe this to be mean or confrontational, but it’s really just exercising your right to live your life on your own terms. Boundaries allow us not to lose ourselves in our relationships but to maintain a sense of autonomy and individuality, which is crucial for our well-being and the sake of our relationships.
Life happens, and it’s often chaotic and messy, so I don’t really like to hand out strict rules. However, generally speaking, I like to make a request before setting a boundary. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule; for example, if you find yourself in a dangerous situation or exposed to harm, it makes sense to set a boundary directly for your own protection.
But most of the time, before setting a boundary, we generally make a request so that the other person is aware of our needs and can meet them if they want to. Sometimes, they will meet our request, so there is no need to set a boundary. Other times, they won’t meet our request, and then it’s time to decide if you want to take control back and set a boundary or if you’re ok with the situation and you’re willing to accept it as it is.
Let’s take another look at the examples we used earlier:
You having an argument with your partner, and they start yelling at you.
In this situation, I would request and ask my partner to stop yelling at me because (hopefully) your partner is a safe space for you and is generally interested in hearing you out and helping you meet your needs. However, when they continue to yell at me, and yelling is something I absolutely will not tolerate, I will let them know that if they continue, I will set a boundary and leave the room. I would say: “I asked you to stop yelling at me. I want to have this conversation and find a solution, but if you don’t stop yelling, I will have to leave, and we can continue our conversation when we have some time to cool off.” If my partner still yells at me, I will set my boundary and execute its attached behavior: “I asked you not to yell at me; I won’t continue this conversation this way.” AND I will remove myself physically by either going into another room or going on a walk.
Do you see how setting a boundary is taking control over yourself?
When I started my recovery journey from people-pleasing and first learned about this, I realized that I had never actually set a boundary and that I was very hesitant to make requests. I didn’t make requests because I was scared that others might judge me for asking and that I would find out that people didn’t want to help me meet my needs. But that not only held me back from creating relationships with mutual trust and respect, it also caused me to feel secretly resentful and isolated.
The more time passed and the more I learned about boundaries and speaking up, the more I realized that my boundary setting wasn’t a boundary after all. I would often make requests but never set a boundary. Returning to the earlier example, I would repeatedly ask my partner not to yell at me, but he wouldn’t stop, and I would keep asking him to stop, accepting his yelling. Many people don’t understand what I didn’t understand at the time: A boundary has an action component, something you do that does not require the other person's cooperation. It’s something you’re 100% in control over. For example, leaving a conversation by simply going to another room so the other person can’t access you if they yell at you.
I hope you understand the fundamental difference between requests and boundaries and when to use them. This topic is something that I’m especially passionate about because it has tremendously changed my life, so if you’re someone who still struggles to set boundaries, understand the difference, or is overcome with so much guilt and anxiety that you simply can’t do it, consider working with me one-on-one. I’ll add the link to apply below.
As always, thank you for being here. I hope that today's article has taught you something and made your life a little better. See you next Tuesday.
Take care - Klara
Thank you sooooooo much!
“I dont plan to help out any more if you continue to only ask me and not involve brother more for your day to day assistance” - does this sound more like a threat? Although it seems to let me have the control and protects my boundary, immense guilt comes over me when this is what i really want to say.