Why Being Easygoing Isn’t Always Easy on Relationships

The Distance People-Pleasing Creates in Relationships

When I look back on my time as a people-pleaser, I can now see the distance it created in my relationships. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing—being agreeable, easygoing, and accommodating. I never needed help, always went along with what others wanted, and made sure I didn’t cause any waves. But beneath the surface, I felt disconnected and lonely.

What I didn’t understand then was how much people-pleasing makes true connection impossible. It’s not something I noticed when I was deep in it, but now, further along in my recovery, it’s clear as day.

Why People-Pleasing Creates Distance

Humans connect over individuality. We bond through our beliefs, values, interests, and the way we choose to spend our time. Relationships deepen when we share our honest thoughts, express what we truly enjoy, and let ourselves be known. People-pleasing robs us of these connections because it hides who we are.

When I was a people-pleaser, I thought I was being helpful. I didn’t realize that by always saying “I’m fine” or “Whatever you want,” I was putting up walls. People didn’t really know me—how could they? I wasn’t showing them who I was. Instead, I was showing them a version of myself that I thought they wanted to see. And that version was agreeable, accommodating, and unopinionated.

The Loneliness of Disconnection

Looking back, I understand why I felt so lonely. Even when I was surrounded by people, I didn’t feel truly seen or understood. It wasn’t because others didn’t care about me—it was because I didn’t let them in. I didn’t share my struggles or my preferences. I didn’t let people help me because I didn’t think I was allowed to need help.