You can’t be everything to everyone (neither to yourself)
Things you can and can't expect from a relationship
Many of us have romanticized ideals of what relationships should look like. We believe true love is easy, and things click and fall into place. We believe that our ideal partner will complete us. Today, I want to discuss how these ideas breed unrealistic relationship expectations, especially for people-pleasers.
Here is one premise many people-pleasers operate on (I used to be one of them): I should take care of everything for them, and they should do the same for me. It’s the idea that if we people-please someone and they please us back, we have a healthy relationship. But that’s not true. Let’s talk about what we can actually expect from a relationship so you can feel more at peace about how much to do for others, feel less selfish for taking care of yourself, and feel better about communicating your needs.
Oh, for a long time, I believed that a partner would have to fulfill all my needs, and in return, I would fulfill all of my partners' needs. I believe that if I please someone else to the point where I can anticipate their needs, predict their feelings, and continuously make them happy, then they will do the same for me, and we will have the perfect relationship.
If you are a people-pleaser like me, then you know that this doesn't work. I used to think it didn't work because I wasn't good enough, and I didn't please them enough to the point where they would do the same for me in return. But that was not true. Today, I want to talk more about it. If you can relate to it, then I hope that today's article brings you as much relief and freedom as understanding this truth has done for me.
I want this article to discuss one main truth that I have found to be true over and over again: it disproves all romanticized expectations of relationships: we can fully take care of someone else, and they can take full care of us while both feel fulfilled, happy, and satisfied.
When we believe that we can find another person and be their everything, we assume that we can anticipate all their needs without communicating with them so they're always happy. But being human is messy. How can we expect someone else to anticipate and fulfill all our needs perfectly when we can’t even do that for ourselves? The answer is we can’t!
The reason why we believe this as people-pleasers is because we think we have this power. Many of us have been people-pleasers since before we can remember, meaning that we have been anticipating peoples’ needs our whole lives and have become good at it. We have been programming ourselves to live for others, suppress ourselves, and completely focus 100% of our time and energy on others. That’s what we know love to be. So it makes sense that we expect the same level of care back, but we forget that we aren’t as powerful as we think, and others didn’t have to give themselves up and focus 100% on us. We forget that our patterns of anticipating others and self-sacrifice stem from dysfunction, and others who didn’t experience the same way and level of dysfunction never learned that this is the way to love someone.
We believe that we’re right, but we are not. We see love based on our learned behavior, which is a survival technique. Not only is this expectation that others should meet us with the same level of self-abandonment and focus unrealistic it’s unhealthy. Not just for our relationships but also for ourselves because we continue to wait for people to please us and to take care of us as we do for others, constantly disappointed and hurt when it doesn’t happen. Not realizing that there is nothing wrong with us but with our expectations.
We better than anyone should by now understand that people-pleasing doesn’t make anyone happy. It breeds resentment and frustration, and worst of all, it drives us to lose ourselves, always feeling like something is missing. As recovering people-pleasers, we need to rethink how we think about relationships and stop seeing them as places where each participant needs to give themselves up completely to be there for others. Because it’s not only not true, it’s causing us pain and harm.
Healthy relationships are not built on self-abandonment because self-abandonment will always lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, like something is missing, and ultimately to lostness. Whether we like it or not, we have a hardwired human need to stay connected to ourselves because when we’re not what we experience, it is called depression. So, what can we expect from healthy relationships?
Healthy relationships are built on the ability to love and stay connected to yourself while being connected and loving someone else. So, in a way, staying connected to yourself is your job, and it is to create a healthy relationship. Side note: This doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy relationship if you don't know yourself because self-discovery and self-love can be developed with the right partner. (Let me know if you want to learn more about this in another article).
We can expect support, honesty, care, respect, genuine interest, and empathy from our partners, but we can’t expect them to read our minds, anticipate all our needs, and always make us happy at the cost of their own well-being. Healthy relationships are built by two individuals who are secure in themselves and choose that it’s better together. There is no such thing as completing one another; we are complete independently, and our partner is just the cherry on top. So whenever you feel selfish for taking care of yourself or needing time alone, remember that by taking care of yourself and getting to know yourself, you also take care of your relationships.
I hope this article helped you understand how people-pleasing might cause us to have unrealistic relationship expectations that hurt our relationships and ourselves. What are your thoughts on this after reading the article? I want to hear from you, discuss the ways in which you agree or disagree, and learn from each other. So, I am asking you to take a moment and leave a comment with your thoughts and opinions about your experience.
Navigating these nuances isn't always easy, especially when our background with people-pleasing has shaped our perspective, expectations, and beliefs, which is why I've created a workbook designed to help you find balance and clarity in yourself. Interested in transforming your life in just nine days? Click the link below to get my Workbook and start your journey free from people-pleasing and its consequences today.